Thursday, December 31, 2009

A Little More About ME.

Some things you may not know about me:
  1. I always heat stuff up in the microwave for 17 seconds.
  2. I use the phrase "like I said" a little too much.
  3. I keep a very clean house- but a very messy car.
  4. I'm paranoid that someone is always listening in on my phone calls. In fact when I'm talking on the phone I'll say "If someone's listening that was a joke..."
  5. I am the TOTAL opposite of a pack rat. Because I don't hold (much) value to worldly things I often give things to others. I call it "the ultimate recycle".
  6. I spend lots of money on my kids clothes- and virtually none on myself. I'm working on that this coming year.
  7. I have a slight addiction to kids pajamas.
  8. I often start projects and never finish them- that's another goal for 2010.
  9. I love the beach, but hate the sand.
  10. I took 3 years of Spanish and can probably on say two phrases.
  11. I'm a God fearing, baby wearing, organic eating, whole food baking, no spanking, kind word speaking, "big word" explaining, anti- chemical using, self proclaimed "hippy-go-free-free" kind of Mom.
  12. YET, I'm pro vaccination (Sorry R), non co-sleeping, diet coke drinking, (sometimes) bleach using, saved by Grace kind of Mom too.
  13. I'm working on being more environmentally contentious- another 2010 goal.
  14. I love being married to an only child. I'm the daughter my in laws never had :)
  15. I NEVER watch scary movies... not even the commercials.
Well there you have it! Until next time- HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! May God continue to bless you this year. Remember, each day is a gift.

Monday, December 21, 2009

The World

may need may need ear plugs.

They may see him has a nuisance.

But I see him as gift.

The best gift.

Thank you Logan- for just being you.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Less than 10 days to Christmas and


Seriously, I'm getting depressed from all this sunshine and heat. Can we get a little cool breeze for Christmas morning?

Is that too much to ask?

I mean, really, opening presents in shorts and a tank top doesn't scream "Christmas Morning" to me!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Santa Disclaimer II

Well... after spending all this time making it known that we "don't do Santa"- my son had a different idea.

He came home from school yesterday, looked out the window and said "Mommy, I hear it. The sleigh's outside."

How could I crush his dreams?? What's a Mom to do?

I know! I could download an iPhone app.

Ug, thoughts???

Monday, December 14, 2009

Another Tooth...

Or two!

Lily's two canine teeth broke through last night- and her front two are right behind. By Christmas she'll have six teeth- not that she needs them. Gumming food has not slowed her down one bit! I seriously think she eats more then me.

Tonight she had black beans, rice, a quesodilla, AND about 1 1/2 cup of butternut squash. That girls crazy- but totally cute!

Where did my little newborn go?

Friday, December 11, 2009

Better Late then Never

Forgiveness is hard. Especially when you have to forgive yourself.

As hard as this is to admit, when I look back at pictures of my son's first years, I feel a deep pain. I look at pictures of a perfect baby boy- and an ignorant mother. A mother that glosses over warning signs of a son that has special needs. I see a beautiful innocent boy that's crying for help- and a mother that's caught up in "life" to see it.

Here are some examples of some pictures that are painful view.

This is the ghost of Christmas past:

Christmas 2006 (Logan is 15 months)

Christmas 2007 (Logan is just over 2)

Christmas 2008

Notice every picture he has a phone. Why didn't I see it? Where was I? Why didn't I see it?

Ouch. I need to forgive myself.

At least I can see the fixation now. Better late then never.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Santa Disclaimer

I want to be totally and completely open and honest on my blog. My husband and I decided (before we had children) that we wouldn't "do Santa". That has sometimes been hard for me the past few years. There are days I'm not sure, and there are days where I know we're making the right decision.

He does watch Christmas movies, and he knows who Santa is- but as far as he's concerned Santa is like Mickey Mouse. Make believe. All the gifts come from us and we don't set out cookies and we don't "ask Santa" for anything. He's just a character on TV and in books.

Some family and friends have called us "The Grinches". Some have expressed to us that we are steeling some magical childhood moment from our kids- and others have completely supported it.

Don't get me wrong, as a child I have very fond memories of coming down stairs and feeling the magic and wonder that Santa knew what I wanted. Having the feeling that he knew me. In fact, I never had that "you lied to me" or "you betrayed me" feeling when I figured out the truth. I didn't care who I was getting the presents from- as long as I was getting presents.

It's actually because of that, that solidified our decision. I want my son and daughter's Christmas to be focused on Christ. I don't want to conform to what the world says is "normal". Because I'm not normal.

Comfort Food

Well, it's freezing cold outside- for most of the United States.

Here in the south, it's 80 degrees and humid. Go figure.

I never thought I'd be sweating and wearing a t-shirt and flip flops while visiting Santa.

BUT since I'm in the "wintery mood" I've been on a soup kick. Yesterday I made an awesome potato soup and today I just put split pea soup in the crock pot.

Maybe I'll turn the AC to 60 and put on a sweat shirt.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Christmas Cards- the Outtakes.

We went to the local mall to take pictures for our Christmas cards.

They went... as expected.

Lily tried to steel Logan's candy cane.

We* couldn't get them both to look at the camera

*my Mom and I

They both found interesting "things" on the ground.

But they're still stinkin' cute.

If I do say so myself.

Out of 146 photos-

We only got one good one.

But we got some relief

at dinner.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

and the Second One gets that shaft.

Lily is such an awesome baby- for the most part. She has her moments (and her days) that make me wonder "we planned this one, right?".

But all-in-all she's a great young lady, and the perfect second child. She rolls with the punches (sometimes literally) and goes with the flow. But while I was feeding her a nutritious breakfast of graham crackers and organic puffs, I got to thinking...

With my first I did everything "by the book":

  • He ate only jarred foods (which, at the time, I thought was best)
  • He was on a very strict sleeping and eating schedule
  • His bed sheets were changed EVERYDAY (a little OCD on my part I know)
  • He played with the safest, most up to date toys (although he would have been happy with a twig- or a phone... go figure)
  • He was changed often, always had his face wiped, and his clothes never had a stain or mark on them. If they did, his clothes were promptly changed, and the stain treated.
  • He was only exposed to Baby Einstein on DVD
Not to mention I:
  • Cleaned the whole house- top to bottom everyday
  • Did laundry everyday
  • Exposed Logan to friends, play dates, and "outings" often
  • Wiped down his toys with Clorox wipes, and made sure if his cup hit the floor it would be properly washed (I always had a back up)
  • Wiped the cart, restaurant high chairs, and tables. If his hand so much as grazed any of those things- it was wiped too
  • My diaper bag was sufficiently packed with everything I might need- and I had a back up in my car
With my second child, most of that junk went out the window. I don't have a rigid schedule, my house is nowhere near that clean- seriously- her sheets get changed once every week (or two- hanging my head in shame), I rarely bring a diaper bag let alone a well stocked one, I forget to bring food with me so we resort to pancakes (something I NEVER would have given Logan before his first birthday), she's never ridden in a grocery cart, I always "wear" her, I can't remember the last time I wiped her toys, she's never had an official "play date", and she watches Nick Jr.

Please don't call CPS on me- I'll put a Baby Einstein on today.

Friday, December 4, 2009

the Message in the mess

... of Christmas that is.

I am blessed beyond belief, and yet suffer from the "manys".

  • Many months of planning
  • Many decorations
  • Many hours shopping
  • Many dollars spent
  • Many hours thinking about/worrying about presents
  • Many hours of thinking about lights (yes I'm guilty of that)
  • Many outfits (I'm guilty of that, too)
  • Many gifts bought
  • Many.. many.. many...
God, however gave us the BEST gift since creation. The indescribable gift of Life and Love: Jesus.

I'd like to take a moment and share a story with you.

One cold and dark night shepherds were chilling in their robes working in the fields. If had been four hundred years since the world had heard from God- no prophets, no burning bushes, noth-ing.

And all of a sudden an Angel of Lord appears from the sky. (this is how I envision it- the Bible doesn't go into detail- so I will only know the ACTUAL visual in eternity) The field was black, and I don't think the angel snuck up on them looking like just another shepard in a robe- I'm thinking the field light up with the awesome power of God- and the angel of Lord said "Do not be afraid..." And the shepards, trembling in their sandals, were thinking "don't be afraid- where did you come from? My family and I have been working this field for years, nothing OR NO ONE has ever stepped foot out here with out us knowing about it. And you tell me not to be afraid."

"...I bring you good tidings joy, for all the people of the world. For unto you is born this day, in the city of Bethlehem, a Savior who is Christ the Lord."

And the shepards all agreed, they would travel to see Him. They wanted to witness this awesome miracle that God had told them about.

Meanwhile, after traveling out of their home town, a young couple (Mary was an estimated 13is) were looking for a place to stay. It was cold, they had been walking for days and all they needed was a warm place to rest their heads.

"Sorry we're full"
"Sorry we're full"
"Sorry we're full"
"Sorry we're full"
"Sorry we're full"
"Sorry we're full, but we have this cave (yes a manger was a cave) where all the animals live. You can stay there."

Now think about that. Would you like to crawl into you're dogs kennel and sleep? Or cuddle up next to your kitty's litter box and take a nap- I'm thinking no.

So Mary (I imagine) starts praying:"Lord, I trust You. You have given me the Light of World. Please, Lord God, let me carry Him for a couple more nights."

Just then, her water breaks.

And here He comes. Hours of labor (again, this is what I envision- the Word doesn't go into the details of labor), the smell of poop, animal hair in the eye and one brave girl and her betrothed waiting for the most precious gift. Joesph was trying the keep the donkey out of Mary's face, while Mary was screaming out to God saying "Why, O God, did you choose me?"

Then out of darkness, after the morning sicknesses, the stretch marks, the sleepless nights, the leg cramps, the hemorrhoids, the varicose veins, the swollen feet, the pushing, the screaming, and the bleeding came the soft cry of a baby boy. He could have come with winds stronger than a hurricane. He could have come with all the power and might of a typhoon. But He came like a soft winter snow.

Wrapped in some dirty old rags, God presented the most beautiful gift- Jesus.

He didn't come wrapped in the finest linen, or foiled paper with gorgeous bow. He was presented lying next to animal hair and poop, wrapped in old clothes.

Here's me on the birthday of both my kids. Defiantly not as dirty as a manger would be.

Thank You Lord for the most precious gift of all mankind. Thank You O God, for giving us Your Son- 100% man, 100% God. Open our hearts, Father. Teach us Your way.

I've thought a lot about Mary over the past few months (and in turn, a lot about the young Jesus). As I sit up at night and rock (or glide) my baby girl, I wonder "Did Jesus pull Mary's hair, too?" I think He did. I wonder while tucking my son into bed at night "Did Jesus like to run around the house with His brothers screaming in joy (all the while minding His parents, of course)?" I think He did that, too.

And that friends, is the true gift this holiday. The gift of Hope. The gift of Love.

Christmas is not about the magic- but the Miracle.

He's heard my cry. He knows my pain. He knows my fears. He knows me. And I know Him. And sharing His love is the best gift I could give.

So this Christmas- I'm not getting caught up in the mess. I'm getting caught up in the Message. Christ is here- my chains are gone, I've been set free.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Logan's One Month Evaluation

**I couldn't get pictures to upload- check back for photos**

On Friday we had Logan's one month Therapeutic Pre School Evaluation.

Every month the psychiatrist makes a home visit to discuss Logan's progress. This was our first evaluation- and I was eager to hear how he's been doing in school.

She said he's been doing really well riding the bus, following directions, and not being anxious. I was pleasantly surprised! She said he hasn't demonstrated anxiety characteristics in a while- and I was thrilled!!

She also mentioned that she and him have a special bond, and he lights up when he sees her. She said she loved working with him, and looks forward to watching him grow.

She said the areas he needs to work on are:

  • Touching/throwing sand. This is one of his (many) sensory issues. He likes to feel the sand running through his fingers. She said he gets so fixated that they (his teachers) have to make it "off limits" some days.
  • Touching other people. Logan will "pet" other people to feel their clothes, or body. The other kids don't like it- so he needs to work on keeping his hands to himsef.
  • Pooping on the potty.
  • Talking about the phone.
  • Doing "The Claw" (he claws his hand at inappropriate times)
She gave me some more social stories* to read to him every night on:
  • Eating too fast (I know, I was shocked too!)
  • Chewing with your mouth closed
  • Not interrupting
  • Completing a request
  • Getting the attention of others
  • Hearing "No"
  • Making a request
  • Using a napkin (he uses his shirt-hehehehe)
  • Showing affection
  • Shutting the bathroom door
*A social story is a short story that gives children simple explanations to everyday tasks. Example: Little boys go to school./Little boys ride on the bus to school./Little boys stay seated on the bus./Little boys get off the bus./Little boys line up for class./Little boys go to school./Logan's going to school.

I know this seems trivial, but she used the term "next year". I guess he won't be graduating to "regular" preschool next year. Oh well, maybe kindergarten.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The Giving Tree

**Warning: This post contains raw, real emotions. I'd like to preface this with how much I love being a Mom. How I dreamed of having a child, and how I am thankful to God everyday for blessing me with two beautiful children, perfect in His image. I know many people struggle with infertility, or loss of a child and make no mistake, I pray for those people out there everyday. I know how blessed I am to have my kids on this side of eternity- and I'm thankful.

That said- Let the rant ensue.

There are days where I feel sorry for myself, and today is one of those days.

I try very hard to have a cheery, light hearted, optimistic spirit- most of the time. But today, I just want to complain.

Everyday I give and give and give and give and give, and explain, and give, and explain, and give and give. And then when the house is finally quiet, and the last potty break is over, and the last cup of water has been drank- I give some more.

Don't get me wrong, I love being a Mom, but on days like this I find myself asking: why me?

Why is it I can't walk into a store without talking about a phone. I would love to go to a store and not talk about a freaking phone. On that note, I would love to go ONE DAY without "pretending" to talk on the phone. You know what- I WOULD LOVE TO NOT SEE A PHONE FOR ONE DAY. That, friends, would be a good day.

I would love not to hear an absolutley, horrific, ear piercing screeching whale come out of my son's mouth. I would love to not hear it at bed time.

What did I do to deserve this? Why do I have to constantly explain explain explain why we can or can't do something. I would love to go one day with out having to worry about my son having a panic attack.

I would love to go one day without thinking about, worrying about, or talking about sensory issues. I would love not to worry about the volume of something, or the feeling (the physical feeling) of something. That would be AWESOME.

I would love not to worry about my son's future issues. Wondering what his OCD fixation will be when he's 15. It probubly won't be phones- so what? What will it be?

I would love to not think about poop. I would love for Logan to GO POOP.

I would love if my daughter was no longer teething. I would love for all those little boogers to pop right through, with no pain-therefore no crying.

I never asked for this. As a child, I never sat back and thought "Oh, I can't wait to grow up, get married, and have a baby boy with special needs."

I absolutely, undoubtedly love my son, but sometimes I just wish he was..."typical".

I would love to have a husband that worked normal hours, at a job he loved so I didn't have to put the kids to bed- all-by-my-self 5 nights a week.

I would have loved him to not go to that meeting last night- and I hope he doesn't go tonight.

I would love to shower, shave and go to the bathroom without an interruption.

And finally I would love a vacation- scratch that- I would love a night off.

Rant. Over.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Sometimes I believe the Holy Spirit works through you when you least expected it.

Today, while I was visiting a new superstore (which was awesome minus this incident) Logan got confused and began to have one of his "mini meltdowns"- which includes screaming.

~For those of you who know my son, you know his screaming is very loud, very high pitched, and honestly very uncomfortable.

I held his hand and walked down the main grocery isle to grab the last thing I needed for dinner so we could check out and head home. It was as if a spot light was on me. People were coming out of the isles to see what was going on. No exaggeration, there were at least 40 people turned and looked at me and my sweet boy. Now, that being said, it was 30-45 seconds of excruciatingly loud uncomfortable screaming (which I'm used to) so I can understand why people were looking. But what they don't understand was this was not a "typical" child "I want that toy I can't have" tantrum. This was a little boy having an anxiety attack because he didn't understand something. I can't imagine how scary it must feel for him to feel trapped in his own world of fear and worry.

Anyway, while I was quickly grabing the thing I needed an old crotchy lady leaned over a very sternly said "Young man, you need to mind your manners while your...".

Before I could even think of what to say I threw him behind me (as if to physically protect him from the verbal daggers she was throwing at him) and said "Listen, lady, he has special needs."

And she looked at me with a stone cold look as I walked briskly away.

By the time I got back to the produce section, Logan had calmed down, but I was in tears. I thought of all the things I "should have said". I think the Holy Spirit was my filter at that moment.

So, for those of you who were at that superstore on this day and this time, I'm sorry. And for those of you who may encounter a screaming child in a superstore, before giving dirty looks or even saying a nasty comment* please think twice.

*I know most people would never do that, but everyone has weak moments-I'm sure back in my day I would have given "the look". There were some (few, but some) friendly faces that looked at me with sadness-as if they were saying "I've been there".

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Rumors are True

Every year, on August 9 (the day after my birthday) I put out all my fall decorations. I absolutely, with out a doubt LOVE the Holidays and it kicks off with my birthday!

I put out pumpkins, scarecrows and anything "harvesty"-usually.

This year was different, though. I was tired. I have two young kids, one with special needs and one breastfeeding and I thought napping was more important then decorating...

So, because I usually get three whole months of fall, and Christmas gets a measly 35(ish) days (if you decorate the day after Thanksgiving) that I would decorate for Christmas early-a whole month early!!

On November 5, we decorated the entire inside of our house! Logan and Lily love the lights on the tree and all the animated Christmas stuffed animals. And Logan had a blast hanging the ornaments on the tree this year. I just love being able to enjoy all the beautiful decorations I've collected over the years.

This weekend we'll be working outside decor! Can't wait to give hubby the good news :)

Friday, October 30, 2009

The Ghost of Halloween Past





Skim the Fat

Ok friends, it's time to get real. My house is FULL of stuff I don't need (i.e. 3 years worth of magazines I haven't picked up since the month they were published... I have issues with books and magazines). It's time to skim the fat.

All of November I am going to be going through our house and getting rid of stuff we don't need. I'm tired of feeling closed in in our house. I don't find value in material things (for the most part), so it's time for me to go through all our stuff and get down to the things we actually need.

Let's start a movement. Who's with me?

Less clutter for 2010.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Not Me! Monday

This is a blog carnival started by MckMama. Check out her blog to find out what others haven't been up to this week.

On the day that I posted this blog on being a "Mom" I did not go the whole day with my t-shirt inside out. A Mom as together as myself, would never have dropped Logan at the bus stop, ran some errands, and picked Logan back up at the bus stop only to find out at 8 pm during "bedtime countdown" teeth brushing that my favorite frumpy "Mom" shirt was inside out.

I also would never would have let out a sigh of relief and thought "at least I have some Not Me! Monday blog material."

I am always certain to have a fully stocked pantry and fridge. But if I were to slip up and realize that I may be running out of milk, I certainly did not pour some into a mason jar and hide it from my husband and son so I'd be sure to have enough for my coffee in the morning.

And lastly, while I was feeding my daughter some delicious bananas, I would never wipe her face off with something other then an acceptable face wiping rag. And if I were to make a slip up and not have an acceptable face wiping rag close by, I wouldn't pick up my son's big boy underpants (only worn for a couple minutes) and use the waist band to clean off that precious face.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

It's the little things


Logan has been in school for (almost) two weeks and I can see REAL changes. Here's what I've noticed so far:

  • He's almost completely potty trained-we've been fighting that battle for 18 months now.
  • He amazes me with the things that comes out his mouth... so much I can't even remember everything! For instance, I told you him to cover his mouth when he coughed, and he said "No, cough in your elbow"!!!!!!!!!!! I still can't believe it!
  • Also, he unbuckled his five point harness, AND buckled the top part!! It's the little things.

He's been doing really well in school, except for a few "throwing sand (or mulch) " incidences :) All things considered, that's pretty good.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Desperate Housewives of MP

I spend a lot of time talking about my kids on this blog, but today I want to discuss a subject that's close to my heart.

Desperate. Housewives.

Not the show-the actual desperate housewives.

Some days, especially when I'm waiting outside for the bus, I feel like a mom. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely, totally and completely love being a mom. When my son was born I felt I knew what my purpose was, and when Lily was born I felt complete. However, when I'm driving to the bank in my van, with the DVD player down, wearing yesterdays jeans, sporting a ponytail (or braid), and t-shirt (usually with milk or yogurt on it), I feel like a mommy.

Is that it? Cleaning, laundry, grocery store, bank, cooking, playing, etc. This morning when Logan was getting ready for school, I felt like a short order cook and waitress. Juice, breastfeed, banana, yogurt, more juice, yogurt, napkin, yogurt, wipe face, yogurt.... Between the two kids, I was exhausted by 7am!

And as I walked outside with unkempt hair, capri pants (that are one size too big) and an old maternity shirt, I thought to myself "I look like a Mom."

I'm not satisfied with the way I look- AT ALL. In fact, I have levels of sweat pants (sad, I know). There's bleach stained (cleaning sweat pants), around the house house, and dressy.


SO, I've concluded that I am going to spend a little more time on myself. I plan on working out (to feel better and lose weight), getting a stylish hair cut (and actually doing it) and getting some new clothes. While I'm not at a weight I'm completly satisfied with, I need to get a couple outfits I can wear now that fit and make me feel better about myself.

I think spending a little time on myself will make me a better Mom.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Not Me! Monday

This is a therapeutic way of admitting I'm not super mom started by the talented MckMama. Check out her blog to find out what others haven't been up to the week..

This week I didn't hide in the laundry room and drink an ice cold coke. And I certainly didn't let out a fake cough when I opened the can to make sure my sweet young boy didn't hear that distinct can pop.

I also would never have washed a load of laundry, for got about it, washed it again, for got AGAIN, and wash it one more time. I would never be too busy to have to wash one load of laundry three times... I mean that's just not sane!

And never would I go outside at dusk with kids to play knowing that's the best time to get eaten alive by mosquitoes. And after that wild evening, I didn't get about 20 mosquito bites. And I completely learned my lesson and did not go outside the next day and get about 15-20 more... and if I did get a million-I mean- a couple bites I am not itching them like crazy. I know the less you itch, the faster they heal.

And lastly, I would never have forgotten about a tiny tiny piece of bread that did not fall out of my car and onto my garage floor. And that said piece of bread was not covered in sugar ants the next day... and I didn't spray those ants with Spot Shot (a carpet cleaner) to blow them away (literally).

Now if you'll excuse me, I don't have some chores to do.

All Through the Town

The wheels on the bus go...

All through the town.

Or at least it feels that way!

Logan's first official day of school was 10/15, and because the bus wasn't scheduled in our area yet, I drove him and picked him up until the school district called me with the bus details.

Well, Wednesday was his first ride on the bus, and it went...well, as expected.

We were waiting in our front yard (yes we have a front door pick up-VERY rare, but very gooooood) playing, laughing, and talking. He was in high spirits, and was mildly excited to go to school. He told me about his friends, and teachers...

And then we heard it. Screeching around the corner came the biggest, baddest, scariest monster. It reached out it's arm and grabbed my son. As he was screaming "NO MOMMY NO MOMMY NO MOMMY" over and over and over again, this monster laughed and said "we're not coming back. Kiss him good bye FOR-EV-ER. Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha."

Okay, it didn't really go like that.

What really happened when that monster, aka the bus, came around the corner, Logan was excited. He loves all things with 4 or more wheels, and he's always been intrigued by buses. The bus stopped, and he climbed on in!

The bus driver introduced herself to me, and informed me that they were a mother/daughter team (the TPK bus has an aide on it). You could see the love that radiated from their faces. I felt as if Logan was climbing onto a bus with his Grandmother. They're both grandma's and have been driving buses for 22 years (that's almost as old as me!), so I felt very comfortable.

However, once Logan realized I wasn't going to be riding the bus with him, he got VERY upset. I reached out his hand, and looked at me with this disgusted look of betrayal... as if I had hurt his brand new puppy.

I left him, and ran in the house.

I. Felt. Terrible.

That was worse then his first day of school. I just kept repeating to myself (out loud, in a very soft voice) "it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts". and I started to tear up (not cry...tear up).

I climbed in the shower, as if to wash away some of the pain I was feeling. I wanted it off of me. I wanted the physical pain off me and down the drain.

I took a deep breath, and tried to forget about the time.

But I couldn't.

I really couldn't.

I thought about Logan in school, eating lunch, playing outside, napping. Wondering what he was doing each minute of the day.

Then, at 3 I sat outside waiting for him to come home.

As each minute passed, I more and more worried. "Was he okay, is the bus driver having to deal with a melt down, did he nap, did he eat, how did he do getting back on the bus..."

As the clock hit 3.40 I began to panic. "Maybe she got lost. If they're not here in 4 minutes, I'm calling the school."

And there it was. 3.43pm. The big yellow monster came screeching around the cornor to drop off my little monster.

And he did great.

The driver said he was an angel! Then asked me why he was being bused all the way to (xyz) school. I told her because of his developmental delays. And she said, "He doesn't sound delayed to me."

And my heart skipped a beat. He doesn't sound delayed to her... praise the Lord in Heaven.

Father, I know you hear my prayers, and I know You know my son. Watch him, Lord, when I can't. Hold him, Lord, when I can't.

I won't let you fall, Logan. I won't let you fall.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

It tastes like sausage

He's already making progress, and it's only been ONE. WEEK.

I am truly amazed at the strength of my son. He started school- full time- and he's riding the bus (I'll blog about that later). What an awesome little man I have :)

He came home today, and sat down for dinner ( I know 4pm is early for dinner, but he's starving when he comes home). I made fancy sloppy joes (no bread), with rice and peas and salad. He also ate the left over rice noodles from the night before-I told you he's starving when he comes home.

So as always, I make him wash his hands before dinner (especailly when he's just come off the bus), but he wasn't having walking all-the-way (6 feet) to the bathroom. So, I just gave him some hand sanintizer I keep in the kitchen. As he's "washing", he starts singing a song about washing hands, and "be sure to wash the tops." UN-BE-LIEVEABLE!

Then, while he was eating he said "Mmmmm. This tastes like sauce-age." (It took me a couple seconds to figure out what he was saying, cause I wasn't sure if my ears were failing me or not-my son dosen't know the word sausage).

I said, "It tastes like_what?"


I was like, okay then.

wait, there's more.

Then, he walks over to the white board, picks up a dry erase marker and says "down, across" HE WROTE THE LETTER L. The letter L. I've been working on that for WEEKS, and he's in school 4 days and now he can write it! But that's not all. He can write L, AND O.

Then, he picked up a picture he colored, brought it over to me (as I'm writing this blog) and says "Look Mommy, I colored this with a crayon. A purple crayon."


And last, but certainly not least, he hands me a piece of lettuce (a piece he rejected) and put it in my mouth, and said "swallow it, swallow it, swallow it" in a high pitched teaching voice. And when he saw that I did in fact swallow it, he cheered "yay, good swallowing Mommy".

I am a good swallower! And, by the way my pants fit, I think I've been swallowing pretty good for quite some time now.

I need to go now, cause he's writing his letters, and I need to cheer him on!

"Down. Across." "Down. Across." "Down. Across." "Down. Across."

Monday, October 19, 2009

Saved by the Bell

Logan had his first day of school last week! On Thursday, October 15, we made a leap of faith and dropped off our big boy at his first day of TPK- Therapeutic Pre Kindergarten.

Our morning started great. Logan woke up in high spirits, and was excited to "leave the house"... or so he thought.

When we left our house, I started to tear up. I thought about all those days I wasted complaining and not soaking him up. All the times I "wanted a minute alone" or was frustrated over his rituals. All that time. Gone. Like the blink of an eye. Gone.

I realized that today was the first day of his academic career, and that my sweet baby boy that I held in my arms just 4 short years ago, was growing up.

That was the longest drive of my life. The school is about 35 minutes from my house, so as I drove I thought a lot. I took a deep breath and remembered how I breathed him in on October 14 at 5.01 pm. The way he gazed at me with those goopy eyes, and how it felt to hold a life in my arms. When he was born, I was very ill, and can disticntly recall that day. When Dr. G showed me my little boy, and he started SCREAMING I thought to myself "I should be crying now". And when then they placed him on my chest (very breifly- only for a picture... that's how sick I was) I thought "He's going to fall, please, take him, HE'S GOING TO FALL". Looking at the pictures now, you can clearly see that the nurse was holding him and had placed him on my chest for a picture.

As we pull into the school, my heart sinks deep into my chest and I can feel my blood pulsating through my veins. I've been looking so forward to this day, and now it's here. All I wanted was one. more. day. But it was too late.

We parked the car, made a call (to the Grandmothers-for blessings of course) and walked to the teacher.

He said "Mommy, I'm very sick. We can't go to school."

I replied, "You're going to be great Logan. I love you, and I'll see you soon."

I gave him a kiss. And left. Like that day, four years ago, I thought "I should be crying now". But I didn't. I was sad, yes. But his time had come, and I was happy.

When I returned the teacher said he did GREAT! I was so happy that the day was over, and he was safe.

One day down. Fourteen years to go.

I won't let you fall, Logan. I won't let you fall.

Not Me! Monday

If you're not the perfect Mom, then Not Me! Monday is for you. It's a trend started by the talented MckMama.

Here is what I did not do this past week.

I certainly did not get ready for Logan's fourth birthday celebration by shoving anything that was out of place in the laundry room, or my bathroom. An organized Mom, such as myself, would never let anything like that happen.

I then definitely did not instruct my guest to help me as they were walking in the door, because I had it all together and was completely ready for everyone to arrive.

I also, did not leave ALL the dishes to do the next day, that is just crazy! I would never do something like that... I always do all my dishes and laundry as soon as they're dirty, any other way is just despicable!

Earlier in the week, I certainly didn't procrastinate on my paper for school AND I wasn't writing it while eating a bowl of delicious salt and vinegar chips (did I mention the paper wasn't for my Nutrition class?).

And lastly, I did not let my daughter hold the bowl of avocado after she was done eating, knowing full well she wasn't going lick it clean.

Head over to MckMama's blog to find out what others haven't been doing!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Happy Birthday Logan

Happy Birthday my sweet boy! Your short life has taught me so much, you're my inspiration.

I Love You more than you'll ever know.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Top Ten Tuesday

Things I love to do with (or for) my daughter

10. Play

9. Tickle

8. "Talk"

7. Bathe

6. Kiss

5. Snuggle

4. Sing

3. Rock (or Glide)

2. Hold

And the number one thing I love to do with Lily is:

1. Nurse

A Letter to My Boy

To My Dearest Son,

Words can not describe the way I feel about you. From the moment I found out about you, you became apart of me. You changed everything about me, and have shaped me into the woman I am today.

My whole life, I wanted to be a mother. You fulfilled my dream, and then some.

My prayer for you is that you know and love the Lord, that you take time to pray, and you grow in the love of Christ. I pray you will become a loving, kind generous man. That you dream big, find your purpose and work hard. But most of all I pray that you know how much your father and I love you, we're behind you 100% and we will always be proud of you.

You're an amazing boy that keeps us on our toes. You love dirt, balls, trucks, bugs, books, and spending time with your family. (Of course you love the phone... but we're working on this) You're spirited, loving, kind, sweet and totally 100% B.O.Y.

Soon, you'll be turning four, and going to school. The journey we're on right now is tough one, and to be honest there are days where I'm not sure what's really going on (or if I'm doing the right thing)-but one thing is for sure I love you, and I'm working hard everyday and I'm dedicated to helping you.

You made me a better person, son, and everyday I try to achieve more... to be a better wife, a better mom and a better person.

Thank you, my precious boy, for being you. I couldn't imagine my life without you. You're the perfect fit for our family.


Monday, September 28, 2009

Not Me! Monday

I did not leave three days worth of dishes in the sink... and only clean them up because my mother-in-law was coming over. That's just unsanitary... a mother such as myself, would never let that happen.

I did not shove a box of pizza so far into the fridge that it knocked over a half opened bottle of soy sauce, and then wait till the next morning to clean it up. That's just crazy talk!

And finally, I did not wash my husbands cell phone, even after he told me he left it in his pants. A wife as together as myself, would never let a thing like that happen.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

A Day of Rest

Romans 8:18 (NIV)

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Friday, September 25, 2009

What a Day!

Oh my, what a day! My two sweet kids kept me on my toes tonight. My son didn't nap (he's growing out of napping) and my daughter wanted to snuggle all night long. Normally I would love to just sit and hold her, but the dishes were piling up, there was about 115 calories worth of chips crushed into the carpet, and there was dinner from three weeks ago still in the fridge. I know what you're thinking- "What's wrong with you, throw that away!". Well, what you don't understand is we have a serious raccoon problem around here. They GET IN MY TRASH ALL THE TIME!

Just imagine it. Your trash, lying on your driveway. Sit and think for a second about all the things you throw away. Private things. And imagine that all your neighbors get a panoramic view of your family lying on your driveway EVERYDAY!

So, because of our little critter problem, I have to clean out my fridge on trash day. I'm never really sure what day of the week it is (especially early in the morning), and I usually don't realize it's a trash day until I hear that unmistakable screech of suburbia driving down the street picking up the weeks garbage.

I digress.

So, as you can imagine, I wasn't really in the mood to sit and hold a baby... but I did. I cuddled. I nursed. I bathed. I lotioned. I loved.

There's still dishes in the sink. There's still a very questionable chicken my fridge. (No more chips tho- I did manage to run the vacuum while holding her)

And it was all worth it.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Put a Band-Aid On It

As a parent of a with child with special needs, I find myself saying:

 "Can't I just put a band-aid on it?"

"Why can't I just fix this?"

"Am I making the right choice in regard to his diet?"

"What does the world think of me?"

I can sit and wallow in my self pity, and ask "why me?" all day long- but one thing remains:

Logan was created by the One True God, in His image, and place perfectly with me. There are many times I think about all the signs I missed. Like, his delayed speech, inappropriate use of pronouns, and major sensory issues. I even thought I was "lucky" to have a baby that didn't put anything in his mouth. I look back at that nieve mom and want to yell "HE'S GOT SENSORY ISSUES, YOU CRAZY LADY!". But, unfortunately you can't turn back time, and that fact of the matter is I didn't know any better. 

I do seek forgiveness, and ask God to please give me wisdom and understanding with my kids. I believe God has a plan for him, and  is using my sweet boy to make me grow up.

I hope one day Logan will forgive me. I pray:
  • That he will look past my ignorence, and know that I did everything I could to heal him. 
  • That I used every fiber of my being to help him get better. 
  • He doesn't rememeber this pain. 
  • That he will become a "typical" child. 
  • That he will grow out of it.
Right now, I am still looking for the right approach for his diet. 

For the past year, I've been milling my own wheat to make bread and other baked goodies. Wheat offers so many nutrients, but because of how it's processed for commercial use it's useless. When processed, it's milled, bleached, fortified (cause all the nutrience are gone- so they add them back), and then made into bread (or cupcakes, cookies, etc). All the good stuff is oxidized and the food is basically dead. 

Our family eat mostly whole foods, and have been steering clear of prepackaged food for about 2 years. I'd say we were (before this journey) about 60% there. 

SO NOW, going through what I've been going through with Logan, I'm forced to ask myself- "What's worse, the prepackaged gluten free cake mix, OR the freshly milled live flour?"

When I first started this journey, I wasn't sure where to start, and I was willing to try anything. I found myself scrambling for answers, reading anything and everything I could get my hands on. I find myself still searching, and I pray every night for guidance. I just want to help my son. That's what this is all about-helping Logan cope with everyday life.

It's my belief that our bodies benefit from live food: wheat, fruit, veggies, meats, etc. So, I'm now going back live eating. He'll be receiving gluten- only from my wheat- for three weeks. If he starts to regress, I'll put him back on the GFCF diet. 

My next steps are:

  1. Journal his behavior and diet
  2. Make an appointment to see his pediatrician to discuss everything
  3. See and allergist
  4. See a behavioral psychiatrist
God is with me, and I know we'll get through this.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Confessions of a Gluten Free Mom

I get encouraged.

I get discouraged.

I believe it's working.

I still have doubts.

I give in to what the world believes to be true from time to time.

I follow my "Mommy Radar" only 90% of the time.

I hide in the laundry room to eat "forbidden" food.

I plan on giving Logan fresh milled wheat to see how he reacts.

Confessions of a Nursing Mom

I drink a caffeinated beverages from time to time.... at least 5 times a week :)

I don't cover up in public.

I wear "night time" bras 60% of the time.

I don't always "buckle up" after each feed.

I encourage all Mom's to nurse.

I feed on demand-it could be once every 30minutes, or once every 4 hours.

I don't count how many times she eats, and when the doctor asks I just say the "typical" answer for that age... although it could be more or less.

I don't count poops or pees either :)

I do NOT think it helps you lose weight.

I'm delaying solid food- 73% for her benefit, 27% for my connivance

I believe it's one of the many gifts God gives new Moms.

Top Ten Tuesday

Favorite Things to do with Logan:

10. Play Dough -Now that we're starting our new lifestyle I need to make gluten-free play dough

9. Coloring with markers

8. Painting with water color

7. Baking

6. Going for a walk and talking about nature

5. Eating together

4. Going to the beach

3. Making music

2. Dancing

And my number one thing to do with Logan is.....

1. Pray

They DO Come With a Snooze Button!

Lily has always been an excellent sleeper, but every now and then she'll wake up around 5 to nurse, then go right back to sleep. This morning was one of those mornings. She was up at 5.20 am, nursed for 15 minutes, and went right back to sleep. 

Well, when I came crawling back to bed, my darling husband proceeds to tell me he thought he heard Logan crying... Now this is not shocking to me at all. My sweet little boy has always had trouble sleeping (going to sleep, staying asleep, taking naps, shall I go on?), and it wasn't until recently (about a year) that he actually slept through the night. 

So, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to get up and take a little time to myself- reading other blogs of course- before he really woke up. While I was reading I heard Logan laughing... that's right LAUGHING! AT 5.40 IN THE MORNING! NOTING is funny at 5.40 in the morning!

I ignored it, because he wasn't calling for me and it sounded like he was just relaxing in bed, so I continued what I was doing. I got lost in reading, like usual- I love reading anything, books, magazine, blogs, the back of cereal boxes, you name it-look at the clock and realize...IT'S SEVEN THIRTY! I could have slept an extra two hours! 

Oh well, waking up for a snuggle, kiss or hug is worth it. Even if it is at 5.40 in the morning.

I'm still not sure why he was crying and/or laughing. I'll have to ask him when he wakes up. Until then, is that coffee ready yet sir Tassimo?

Don't they look sweet? It's God's defense mechanism- too cute to get mad at.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

A Day of Rest

Psalm 138 (NIV)

7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,
with your right hand you save me.

8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands.

This is my sweet Logan in 10/06. The Lord has a purpose for him, and He will never abandon him. I didn't know then that God had this journey in His plan, but I know with Him, we'll get through it.

My son will be free from anxiety and OCD.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Guilty Pleasures

Well friends, I wanted to write about one of my favorite subjects: FASHION. Not for me of course, I look like the before picture on the show "What Not to Wear", but fashion for my kiddos. 

When Logan was a baby (0-12 months), I loved to dress him in Carters, Baby Gap and Gymboree. As a toddler (1-3) he wore mostly Gymboree. But now, I like to dress him in clothes from JC Penny's. They are one of the few stores that offer "slim" sizes, and for those of you that know my son, knows he still wears 24 months shorts (in fact he's wearing some now and they're literally falling off as I type this).

For Lily, I love Carters and Gymboree. Gymbroee is my number one favorite, BUT she has some dresses from Carters that I love. Lily usually wears dresses, because they're easy to throw on, and really cute. 

One of my favorite things to dress this kids in is PJs (we call 'em jammers). I love to bathe them, put lotion/oil- organic, essential oils only, of course, but that's a different post- on them and put some cute jammers on. I get those anywhere and everywhere, from Walmart, Target, Outlets and- of course- Gymboree.

As a child I always dreamed about being a Mom. I played with dolls all through adolescence, and even in high school. I loved to dress them up, and pretend that they were real. Now, I get to dress up my real babies... and I love every minute of it.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

A Day of Rest

2 Thessalonians 2:15-17 (NIV)

15So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter.

 16May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, 17encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Gluten Free is easy... so far :)

Well, on Tuesday I decided to change Logan's diet- and at the time I planned on giving him all whole foods. BUT- he's actually been eating gluten free, and it's gone really well so far!

We haven't had any adverse withdraws and we haven't had a problem finding things for him to eat. He hasn't asked for anything with gluten, and I think that he's adjusting.

I've really enjoyed trying the different gluten free foods, and I even started an information hub page for other Moms going through the same thing:

Check it out if you're thinking of trying the GF diet!

HOWEVER, we're going to a birthday party this weekend, and I'm very concerned. Luckily Logan isn't into food too much, but they're serving pizza and that's one of Logan's favorites! I do have gluten free pizza crusts, and I'm planning on making him one to eat at the party- but I'm nervous! Hopefully he won't have a problem... I'll keep you posted.

He's going to school

Well, Thursday was Logan's third and final evaluation with the FDLRS (fiddlers) program. We went to another elementary school-about 35 minutes from our house-that has a therapeutic preschool class and he was accepted into the program. Right now, there are only two other boys in the program, two teachers, and one speech therapist. I'm really excited about getting started, and seeing how Logan progresses. 
I spoke up the psychologist, again, about my concerns about Logan's odd behavior. He told me that Logan has OCD, and gave me some tips on how to deal with them:

First, regarding his fixation with the phone, the psychologist suggested giving him a specific 15 minute time to play with the phone. I decided to give him 3 15 minute "sessions" then, eventually he'll get only 1 15 minute "session" with it.

Second, he suggested making a picture schedule, so Logan can feel more comfortable and in control. Logan has trouble with transitions, and will become very anxious if he is not sure what's coming next. (EXAMPLE: when the kids were lining up to go to P.E., Logan FREAKED out, and threw a "tantrum".  He LOVES playing outside-so that wasn't the problem-he was just upset because he was unsure about what was coming up next.) The psychologist told me to take actual pictures of Logan doing a task, and then velcro them to a poster board, and putting on the refrigerator. So, in the morning it will be: eating breakfast, brushing teeth, playing, having a snack, etc. I also need to explain everything I'm going to do (i.e. "Logan, I'm going to turn the dishwasher on." "Logan, I'm going to run the vacuum cleaner now" etc.). When we having
 something special planned, I need to prep him. Say we were going to the zoo, I'd need to talk to him about it, and have it on the schedule. If something were to come up, and plans were to
 change, he suggested having a ZZ (for zig zag) card to cover the picture. For example, the day we were supposed to go to the zoo it started to rain. I say "Sometimes life has zig zags" and then cover the zoo picture with the ZZ.

He also gave me the "Low and Slow" technique. When Logan is having an episode, or tantrum, I need to get down on one knee-to his eye level, and talk in a low/slow voice (i.e. when Logan was upset about going outside: get down to his level and say "Logan, we're going to play outside-pause for 15-20 seconds- It's going to be fun-pause-We're going to kick the ball-pause- You'll love it.).

It's going to be very difficult, but I'm willing to take on the challenge! In fact, I'm going to finish his schedule this weekend. OH! I also have to start preparing him for school, and the school bus! His first day is in 2-3 weeks (it takes some time to process the paper work, etc).