As a parent of a with child with special needs, I find myself saying:
"Can't I just put a band-aid on it?"
"Why can't I just fix this?"
"Am I making the right choice in regard to his diet?"
"What does the world think of me?"
I can sit and wallow in my self pity, and ask "why me?" all day long- but one thing remains:
Logan was created by the One True God, in His image, and place perfectly with me. There are many times I think about all the signs I missed. Like, his delayed speech, inappropriate use of pronouns, and major sensory issues. I even thought I was "lucky" to have a baby that didn't put anything in his mouth. I look back at that nieve mom and want to yell "HE'S GOT SENSORY ISSUES, YOU CRAZY LADY!". But, unfortunately you can't turn back time, and that fact of the matter is I didn't know any better.
I do seek forgiveness, and ask God to please give me wisdom and understanding with my kids. I believe God has a plan for him, and is using my sweet boy to make me grow up.
I hope one day Logan will forgive me. I pray:
- That he will look past my ignorence, and know that I did everything I could to heal him.
- That I used every fiber of my being to help him get better.
- He doesn't rememeber this pain.
- That he will become a "typical" child.
- That he will grow out of it.
Right now, I am still looking for the right approach for his diet.
For the past year, I've been milling my own wheat to make bread and other baked goodies. Wheat offers so many nutrients, but because of how it's processed for commercial use it's useless. When processed, it's milled, bleached, fortified (cause all the nutrience are gone- so they add them back), and then made into bread (or cupcakes, cookies, etc). All the good stuff is oxidized and the food is basically dead.
Our family eat mostly whole foods, and have been steering clear of prepackaged food for about 2 years. I'd say we were (before this journey) about 60% there.
SO NOW, going through what I've been going through with Logan, I'm forced to ask myself- "What's worse, the prepackaged gluten free cake mix, OR the freshly milled live flour?"
When I first started this journey, I wasn't sure where to start, and I was willing to try anything. I found myself scrambling for answers, reading anything and everything I could get my hands on. I find myself still searching, and I pray every night for guidance. I just want to help my son. That's what this is all about-helping Logan cope with everyday life.
It's my belief that our bodies benefit from live food: wheat, fruit, veggies, meats, etc. So, I'm now going back live eating. He'll be receiving gluten- only from my wheat- for three weeks. If he starts to regress, I'll put him back on the GFCF diet.
My next steps are:
- Journal his behavior and diet
- Make an appointment to see his pediatrician to discuss everything
- See and allergist
- See a behavioral psychiatrist
God is with me, and I know we'll get through this.