Sunday, November 15, 2009

The Giving Tree

**Warning: This post contains raw, real emotions. I'd like to preface this with how much I love being a Mom. How I dreamed of having a child, and how I am thankful to God everyday for blessing me with two beautiful children, perfect in His image. I know many people struggle with infertility, or loss of a child and make no mistake, I pray for those people out there everyday. I know how blessed I am to have my kids on this side of eternity- and I'm thankful.

That said- Let the rant ensue.

There are days where I feel sorry for myself, and today is one of those days.

I try very hard to have a cheery, light hearted, optimistic spirit- most of the time. But today, I just want to complain.

Everyday I give and give and give and give and give, and explain, and give, and explain, and give and give. And then when the house is finally quiet, and the last potty break is over, and the last cup of water has been drank- I give some more.

Don't get me wrong, I love being a Mom, but on days like this I find myself asking: why me?

Why is it I can't walk into a store without talking about a phone. I would love to go to a store and not talk about a freaking phone. On that note, I would love to go ONE DAY without "pretending" to talk on the phone. You know what- I WOULD LOVE TO NOT SEE A PHONE FOR ONE DAY. That, friends, would be a good day.

I would love not to hear an absolutley, horrific, ear piercing screeching whale come out of my son's mouth. I would love to not hear it at bed time.

What did I do to deserve this? Why do I have to constantly explain explain explain why we can or can't do something. I would love to go one day with out having to worry about my son having a panic attack.

I would love to go one day without thinking about, worrying about, or talking about sensory issues. I would love not to worry about the volume of something, or the feeling (the physical feeling) of something. That would be AWESOME.

I would love not to worry about my son's future issues. Wondering what his OCD fixation will be when he's 15. It probubly won't be phones- so what? What will it be?

I would love to not think about poop. I would love for Logan to GO POOP.

I would love if my daughter was no longer teething. I would love for all those little boogers to pop right through, with no pain-therefore no crying.

I never asked for this. As a child, I never sat back and thought "Oh, I can't wait to grow up, get married, and have a baby boy with special needs."

I absolutely, undoubtedly love my son, but sometimes I just wish he was..."typical".

I would love to have a husband that worked normal hours, at a job he loved so I didn't have to put the kids to bed- all-by-my-self 5 nights a week.

I would have loved him to not go to that meeting last night- and I hope he doesn't go tonight.

I would love to shower, shave and go to the bathroom without an interruption.

And finally I would love a vacation- scratch that- I would love a night off.

Rant. Over.


  1. ohhh, i want to give you the biggest hug my love. you are supermom, seriously. you are human, and doing the hardest job EVER! i hope it gets easier for you. i wish there were something i could do! i love you and think of you, and pray for you. God only gives you what you can handle.

  2. Remember we all have these days and being human means bad days. Being a mom to a special needs child is hard but so worth it . I do feel you need to try to focus on the now and not the in 10 years aspect of it because you know as well as I do that at 15 he may have no issues except being a typical 15 year old .