Friday, December 11, 2009

Better Late then Never

Forgiveness is hard. Especially when you have to forgive yourself.

As hard as this is to admit, when I look back at pictures of my son's first years, I feel a deep pain. I look at pictures of a perfect baby boy- and an ignorant mother. A mother that glosses over warning signs of a son that has special needs. I see a beautiful innocent boy that's crying for help- and a mother that's caught up in "life" to see it.

Here are some examples of some pictures that are painful view.

This is the ghost of Christmas past:

Christmas 2006 (Logan is 15 months)

Christmas 2007 (Logan is just over 2)

Christmas 2008

Notice every picture he has a phone. Why didn't I see it? Where was I? Why didn't I see it?

Ouch. I need to forgive myself.

At least I can see the fixation now. Better late then never.


  1. Jackie, you are too hard on yourself. You are such a good Mommy, and I understand your pain. :( I'm praying for you babe. So... with the phone, is it OCD? Like, he HAS to have it?

  2. His main fixation is the phone. So, whenever he sees/hears/comes in contact with one it's all he talks about (or screams about) until he gets it. He also makes a ring sound- which believe me is the most loud obnoxious noise you've ever heard! His OCD is mostly order and transition. If he's not in control of a situation he gets anxiety. For example: everyday we wait for the bus we put his shoes on "the stoop" (the silver part of the front door). If I ask him to sit on the couch to put his shoes on, he has a panic attack and won't do it. Another example is he CAN NOT leave the house without his shoes. They HAVE to be on. It's been much better with therapy, but still a process. Right now I have a picture time line of our schedule to help him feel in control.

  3. oh I laugh with you J. These are moments we will laugh at one day I am sure . If it helps at all, Riaan hates the feeling of clothes so half of our pictures include him missing at least one object of clothing !

  4. J, you're such a good Mommy. I think Brady has some of this anxiety, but I do, too. You are the most patient and inspiring Mom.