Wednesday, January 20, 2010

He's not just anyone, he's my son

Yesterday Logan came home with his first report card. I found it at the bottom of his bag, tucked neatly in a white envelope. I opened it- not know what it was.

Once I unfolded it, and figured out what it was my heart sank. I saw several Ns (to be expected) and felt a deep sadness*... but I wasn't surprised.

*It's one thing to know your son has a "delay" or isn't typical, and it's another thing to see it in black and white on a very official looking state approved report card.

The report listed the goals for this year (there were 6) and then gave a grade next to each one. M- mastered, S- satisfactory, and N- needs improvement. He got 2 Ns and 4 Ss.

Annual Goal that received an N:

  • Circle time- participate for 15 minutes and answer simple questions.
  • Demonstrate fine motor skills and coordination needed for writing.
There was also an entire page of accomplishments and tribulations. A couple things that stood out: "Logan is learning to do things more independently like open his own milk carton and food wrappers." and "Logan uses the bathroom independently with no accidents!".

When I read that I thought (insert sarcastic tone here) "great".

As I was driving today I prayed a prayer I've prayed many many many times. It went something like:

"I need to You to heal him. / Please Lord God give me the strength to help him grow into a strong man of God. / Free him of his OCD, Lord. / Help him not to be scared Father. Let him know You're there."

And Mark Schultz's song "He's my Son" came on the radio.

That's it! That's my song!

Now, I know that song is a tragic song about a terminally ill child- but I really felt like it described my prayer. He doesn't have a terminal disease (Thank You Thank You Thank You Jesus for that), yet he's a prisoner in his own mind. He's constantly telling me he has a stomach ache (worry) or he's scared (panic).

We're working on it Logan. I'm doing my best, I hope it's enough.

I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
I'm sure You can understand
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there


Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son


  1. I have a little something for you over at my place. Hope your having a great day! XOXO

  2. my children are healthy, happy, and as much as I am SO grateful and SO blessed, I still worry sick about them. As mothers we want so much to protect our children for hearthache, fear, pain. I think it's beautiful that you put your sons well being in the hands of God and pray for him while you are loving and accepting him how he is.

  3. I just came across your blog through Kelly's Korner and read your story. Sounds like mine! My daughter has global delays in school and, like you said, it's one thing to know it, but to have it on paper is a little heartbreaking. Please visit my site if you have a minute and maybe we can both help each other out!!

  4. Great blog here! Also your web site loads up very fast! What host are you using? Can I get your affiliate link to your host? I wish my web site loaded up as quickly as yours lol