Top Ten Tuesday

Things I love to do with (or for) my daughter

10. Play

9. Tickle

8. "Talk"

7. Bathe

6. Kiss

5. Snuggle

4. Sing

3. Rock (or Glide)

2. Hold

And the number one thing I love to do with Lily is:

1. Nurse

A Letter to My Boy

To My Dearest Son,

Words can not describe the way I feel about you. From the moment I found out about you, you became apart of me. You changed everything about me, and have shaped me into the woman I am today.

My whole life, I wanted to be a mother. You fulfilled my dream, and then some.

My prayer for you is that you know and love the Lord, that you take time to pray, and you grow in the love of Christ. I pray you will become a loving, kind generous man. That you dream big, find your purpose and work hard. But most of all I pray that you know how much your father and I love you, we're behind you 100% and we will always be proud of you.

You're an amazing boy that keeps us on our toes. You love dirt, balls, trucks, bugs, books, and spending time with your family. (Of course you love the phone... but we're working on this) You're spirited, loving, kind, sweet and totally 100% B.O.Y.

Soon, you'll be turning four, and going to school. The journey we're on right now is tough one, and to be honest there are days where I'm not sure what's really going on (or if I'm doing the right thing)-but one thing is for sure I love you, and I'm working hard everyday and I'm dedicated to helping you.

You made me a better person, son, and everyday I try to achieve more... to be a better wife, a better mom and a better person.

Thank you, my precious boy, for being you. I couldn't imagine my life without you. You're the perfect fit for our family.

Love,
Mom

Not Me! Monday

I did not leave three days worth of dishes in the sink... and only clean them up because my mother-in-law was coming over. That's just unsanitary... a mother such as myself, would never let that happen.

I did not shove a box of pizza so far into the fridge that it knocked over a half opened bottle of soy sauce, and then wait till the next morning to clean it up. That's just crazy talk!

And finally, I did not wash my husbands cell phone, even after he told me he left it in his pants. A wife as together as myself, would never let a thing like that happen.

A Day of Rest

Romans 8:18 (NIV)

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

What a Day!

Oh my, what a day! My two sweet kids kept me on my toes tonight. My son didn't nap (he's growing out of napping) and my daughter wanted to snuggle all night long. Normally I would love to just sit and hold her, but the dishes were piling up, there was about 115 calories worth of chips crushed into the carpet, and there was dinner from three weeks ago still in the fridge. I know what you're thinking- "What's wrong with you, throw that away!". Well, what you don't understand is we have a serious raccoon problem around here. They GET IN MY TRASH ALL THE TIME!

Just imagine it. Your trash, lying on your driveway. Sit and think for a second about all the things you throw away. Private things. And imagine that all your neighbors get a panoramic view of your family lying on your driveway EVERYDAY!

So, because of our little critter problem, I have to clean out my fridge on trash day. I'm never really sure what day of the week it is (especially early in the morning), and I usually don't realize it's a trash day until I hear that unmistakable screech of suburbia driving down the street picking up the weeks garbage.

I digress.

So, as you can imagine, I wasn't really in the mood to sit and hold a baby... but I did. I cuddled. I nursed. I bathed. I lotioned. I loved.

There's still dishes in the sink. There's still a very questionable chicken my fridge. (No more chips tho- I did manage to run the vacuum while holding her)

And it was all worth it.

Put a Band-Aid On It

As a parent of a with child with special needs, I find myself saying:

 "Can't I just put a band-aid on it?"

"Why can't I just fix this?"

"Am I making the right choice in regard to his diet?"

"What does the world think of me?"

I can sit and wallow in my self pity, and ask "why me?" all day long- but one thing remains:

Logan was created by the One True God, in His image, and place perfectly with me. There are many times I think about all the signs I missed. Like, his delayed speech, inappropriate use of pronouns, and major sensory issues. I even thought I was "lucky" to have a baby that didn't put anything in his mouth. I look back at that nieve mom and want to yell "HE'S GOT SENSORY ISSUES, YOU CRAZY LADY!". But, unfortunately you can't turn back time, and that fact of the matter is I didn't know any better. 

I do seek forgiveness, and ask God to please give me wisdom and understanding with my kids. I believe God has a plan for him, and  is using my sweet boy to make me grow up.

I hope one day Logan will forgive me. I pray:

• That he will look past my ignorence, and know that I did everything I could to heal him. 
• That I used every fiber of my being to help him get better. 
• He doesn't rememeber this pain. 
• That he will become a "typical" child. 
• That he will grow out of it.

Right now, I am still looking for the right approach for his diet. 

For the past year, I've been milling my own wheat to make bread and other baked goodies. Wheat offers so many nutrients, but because of how it's processed for commercial use it's useless. When processed, it's milled, bleached, fortified (cause all the nutrience are gone- so they add them back), and then made into bread (or cupcakes, cookies, etc). All the good stuff is oxidized and the food is basically dead. 

Our family eat mostly whole foods, and have been steering clear of prepackaged food for about 2 years. I'd say we were (before this journey) about 60% there. 

SO NOW, going through what I've been going through with Logan, I'm forced to ask myself- "What's worse, the prepackaged gluten free cake mix, OR the freshly milled live flour?"

When I first started this journey, I wasn't sure where to start, and I was willing to try anything. I found myself scrambling for answers, reading anything and everything I could get my hands on. I find myself still searching, and I pray every night for guidance. I just want to help my son. That's what this is all about-helping Logan cope with everyday life.

It's my belief that our bodies benefit from live food: wheat, fruit, veggies, meats, etc. So, I'm now going back live eating. He'll be receiving gluten- only from my wheat- for three weeks. If he starts to regress, I'll put him back on the GFCF diet. 

My next steps are:

1. Journal his behavior and diet
   
2. Make an appointment to see his pediatrician to discuss everything
3. See and allergist
4. See a behavioral psychiatrist

God is with me, and I know we'll get through this.

Confessions of a Gluten Free Mom

I get encouraged.

I get discouraged.

I believe it's working.

I still have doubts.

I give in to what the world believes to be true from time to time.

I follow my "Mommy Radar" only 90% of the time.

I hide in the laundry room to eat "forbidden" food.

I plan on giving Logan fresh milled wheat to see how he reacts.

Confessions of a Nursing Mom

I drink a caffeinated beverages from time to time.... at least 5 times a week :)

I don't cover up in public.

I wear "night time" bras 60% of the time.

I don't always "buckle up" after each feed.

I encourage all Mom's to nurse.

I feed on demand-it could be once every 30minutes, or once every 4 hours.

I don't count how many times she eats, and when the doctor asks I just say the "typical" answer for that age... although it could be more or less.

I don't count poops or pees either :)

I do NOT think it helps you lose weight.

I'm delaying solid food- 73% for her benefit, 27% for my connivance

I believe it's one of the many gifts God gives new Moms.

Top Ten Tuesday

Favorite Things to do with Logan:

10. Play Dough -Now that we're starting our new lifestyle I need to make gluten-free play dough

9. Coloring with markers

8. Painting with water color

7. Baking

6. Going for a walk and talking about nature

5. Eating together

4. Going to the beach

3. Making music

2. Dancing

And my number one thing to do with Logan is.....

1. Pray

They DO Come With a Snooze Button!

Lily has always been an excellent sleeper, but every now and then she'll wake up around 5 to nurse, then go right back to sleep. This morning was one of those mornings. She was up at 5.20 am, nursed for 15 minutes, and went right back to sleep. 

Well, when I came crawling back to bed, my darling husband proceeds to tell me he thought he heard Logan crying... Now this is not shocking to me at all. My sweet little boy has always had trouble sleeping (going to sleep, staying asleep, taking naps, shall I go on?), and it wasn't until recently (about a year) that he actually slept through the night. 

So, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to get up and take a little time to myself- reading other blogs of course- before he really woke up. While I was reading I heard Logan laughing... that's right LAUGHING! AT 5.40 IN THE MORNING! NOTING is funny at 5.40 in the morning!

I ignored it, because he wasn't calling for me and it sounded like he was just relaxing in bed, so I continued what I was doing. I got lost in reading, like usual- I love reading anything, books, magazine, blogs, the back of cereal boxes, you name it-look at the clock and realize...IT'S SEVEN THIRTY! I could have slept an extra two hours! 

Oh well, waking up for a snuggle, kiss or hug is worth it. Even if it is at 5.40 in the morning.

I'm still not sure why he was crying and/or laughing. I'll have to ask him when he wakes up. Until then, is that coffee ready yet sir Tassimo?

Don't they look sweet? It's God's defense mechanism- too cute to get mad at.

A Day of Rest

Psalm 138 (NIV)

⁷ Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,
with your right hand you save me.

⁸ The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands.

This is my sweet Logan in 10/06. The Lord has a purpose for him, and He will never abandon him. I didn't know then that God had this journey in His plan, but I know with Him, we'll get through it.

My son will be free from anxiety and OCD.

Guilty Pleasures

Well friends, I wanted to write about one of my favorite subjects: FASHION. Not for me of course, I look like the before picture on the show "What Not to Wear", but fashion for my kiddos. 

When Logan was a baby (0-12 months), I loved to dress him in Carters, Baby Gap and Gymboree. As a toddler (1-3) he wore mostly Gymboree. But now, I like to dress him in clothes from JC Penny's. They are one of the few stores that offer "slim" sizes, and for those of you that know my son, knows he still wears 24 months shorts (in fact he's wearing some now and they're literally falling off as I type this).

For Lily, I love Carters and Gymboree. Gymbroee is my number one favorite, BUT she has some dresses from Carters that I love. Lily usually wears dresses, because they're easy to throw on, and really cute. 

One of my favorite things to dress this kids in is PJs (we call 'em jammers). I love to bathe them, put lotion/oil- organic, essential oils only, of course, but that's a different post- on them and put some cute jammers on. I get those anywhere and everywhere, from Walmart, Target, Outlets and- of course- Gymboree.

As a child I always dreamed about being a Mom. I played with dolls all through adolescence, and even in high school. I loved to dress them up, and pretend that they were real. Now, I get to dress up my real babies... and I love every minute of it.

A Day of Rest

2 Thessalonians 2:15-17 (NIV)

15So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter.

 16May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, 17encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.

Gluten Free is easy... so far :)

Well, on Tuesday I decided to change Logan's diet- and at the time I planned on giving him all whole foods. BUT- he's actually been eating gluten free, and it's gone really well so far!

We haven't had any adverse withdraws and we haven't had a problem finding things for him to eat. He hasn't asked for anything with gluten, and I think that he's adjusting.

I've really enjoyed trying the different gluten free foods, and I even started an information hub page for other Moms going through the same thing:

http://hubpages.com/hub/gluten-free-foods

Check it out if you're thinking of trying the GF diet!

HOWEVER, we're going to a birthday party this weekend, and I'm very concerned. Luckily Logan isn't into food too much, but they're serving pizza and that's one of Logan's favorites! I do have gluten free pizza crusts, and I'm planning on making him one to eat at the party- but I'm nervous! Hopefully he won't have a problem... I'll keep you posted.

He's going to school

Well, Thursday was Logan's third and final evaluation with the FDLRS (fiddlers) program. We went to another elementary school-about 35 minutes from our house-that has a therapeutic preschool class and he was accepted into the program. Right now, there are only two other boys in the program, two teachers, and one speech therapist. I'm really excited about getting started, and seeing how Logan progresses. 

I spoke up the psychologist, again, about my concerns about Logan's odd behavior. He told me that Logan has OCD, and gave me some tips on how to deal with them:

First, regarding his fixation with the phone, the psychologist suggested giving him a specific 15 minute time to play with the phone. I decided to give him 3 15 minute "sessions" then, eventually he'll get only 1 15 minute "session" with it.

Second, he suggested making a picture schedule, so Logan can feel more comfortable and in control. Logan has trouble with transitions, and will become very anxious if he is not sure what's coming next. (EXAMPLE: when the kids were lining up to go to P.E., Logan FREAKED out, and threw a "tantrum".  He LOVES playing outside-so that wasn't the problem-he was just upset because he was unsure about what was coming up next.) The psychologist told me to take actual pictures of Logan doing a task, and then velcro them to a poster board, and putting on the refrigerator. So, in the morning it will be: eating breakfast, brushing teeth, playing, having a snack, etc. I also need to explain everything I'm going to do (i.e. "Logan, I'm going to turn the dishwasher on." "Logan, I'm going to run the vacuum cleaner now" etc.). When we having

 something special planned, I need to prep him. Say we were going to the zoo, I'd need to talk to him about it, and have it on the schedule. If something were to come up, and plans were to

 change, he suggested having a ZZ (for zig zag) card to cover the picture. For example, the day we were supposed to go to the zoo it started to rain. I say "Sometimes life has zig zags" and then cover the zoo picture with the ZZ.

He also gave me the "Low and Slow" technique. When Logan is having an episode, or tantrum, I need to get down on one knee-to his eye level, and talk in a low/slow voice (i.e. when Logan was upset about going outside: get down to his level and say "Logan, we're going to play outside-pause for 15-20 seconds- It's going to be fun-pause-We're going to kick the ball-pause- You'll love it.).

It's going to be very difficult, but I'm willing to take on the challenge! In fact, I'm going to finish his schedule this weekend. OH! I also have to start preparing him for school, and the school bus! His first day is in 2-3 weeks (it takes some time to process the paper work, etc). 

Isn't She Lovely

I wrote a lot on this blog about our journey with Logan. I don't want to forget an important piece of our lives- the long awaited arrival of our beloved Lily Faye.

When Logan turned one years old, I started thinking about adding a baby to our small family. My husband and I discussed it, and decided it would be better to wait. He is an only child, and thought that's what he wanted for Logan. I knew that wasn't the path God wanted us to take, and I began to pray. I asked for wisdom, guidance, and clarity- and for God to change my Hubby's heart :)

Then, when Logan was 2, we decided to "not take precaution" and see what happens. Well, after waiting what felt like a lifetime (only six months) we fell pregnant. We were over the moon, and couldn't stop planning and preparing for our new little bundle of joy.

When we found out Logan was going to have a little sister, we were so excited! God knew what He was doing all along, and gave us the perfect addition to our family. A sister for Logan, and a daughter for us.

Now, I'm the Mommy of a Prince and Princess.

Lily is six months old, and it's gone by so fast.

By Golly, there IS a light!

Okay, so today was day one on the "NO PRESERVATIVE Diet/low gluten". 

It's gone GREAT! He has had some withdraw symptoms, but they've been manageable... so far. His mood is great, his overall temperament is even and (this could be my "wishful thinking) he's been using his vocabulary a lot better.

I went to our local grocery store and bought TONS on fruits and veggies and Logan's really enjoyed talking about them and eating them!

On the other hand, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed by the housework. I'm so focused on food that I've let my housework go by the waist side. Tonight I'm going to TRY to catch up :)

A Day of Rest

Psalm 62:5-8 (NIV)

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
       my hope comes from him.

 6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
       he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

 7 My salvation and my honor depend on God ;
       he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

 8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
       pour out your hearts to him,
       for God is our refuge.
       Selah

Goodbye Old Friend, I'll Miss You

I took a huge leap of faith today, and decided to give away anything that has preservatives in it. We're having some friends over for dinner, so what they don't know is when they leave, they'll have some groceries to take with them :)

So, when I was finished, I went to our local grocery store to buy a couple things for this evening. What I wasn't prepared for was how emotional it was going to be for me. It was painful for me to walk through the isles filled with foods that Logan loves so much, knowing that (for the time being) he can't have them. It was also hard watching "typical" children gleefully walking hand in hand eating a cookie. 

Now, Logan for the most part is very well behaved. He's a good listener, polite, loving and very kind. But I'm not sure how he's going to react once he starts detoxing from the toxins that's in his body, and he's not able to have that free cookie he's had so many times before. Lucky for me my son is a produce thief- we'll just hit the produce isle and hopefully he'll forget about the cookie.

On another note, I know I've distanced myself from some people that are close to me. Please know that I'm concentrating completely on my family and healing Logan. I'm in a dark place in my life right now, and I mostly find comfort in talking to other moms who are going through the same thing. I believe through changing his environment-that is the toxins he's eating/coming into contact with -I'll be able to see a huge improvement in his behavior. Also, one of Logan's fixations is the phone, so I'm spending as little time as possible on it (especially when he's around). 

Hang in there with me- He's not finished with me yet.

You want me to feed him WHAT?

There's a huge movement in the autistic community regaurding biomedical treatment. It refers to the process of redressing the anomalies in a persons Biochemistry through the use of specific nutrients.  Specifically, a gluten free and casein free diet (GFCF).  Parents, doctors and researchers say that children have shown mild to dramatic improvements in speech and/or behavior after these substances were removed from their diet. 

Gluten and gluten-like protiens are found in grains like wheat, oats, rye, bulgar, durum, spelt, and barley.  It's also found in starches, semolina, couscous, malt, some vinegars, soy sauce, flavorings, artificial colors and hydrolyzed vegetable proteins.  

Casein is a protein found in milk and other dairy products like cheese, yogurt, ice cream, whey butter, and margarine.  

EYE-YEY-IE!  What's a Mom to do?  

While we (the psychiatrists,  hubby and I) don't believe Logan has autism, I feel he may benefit from a "diet makeover". A GFCF diet is a lot to take on- so, I'm going to take one small step in the right direction.

My first plan of action is to take out all refined sugar, white flour, and anything bleached. Also, I'm removing all foods that are over processed, and full of additives (especially nitrates).

Basically, I'm doing an all whole foods diet.  Homemade bread, cookies, and fruits/veggies.  I already mill my own wheat to make fresh flour, I'm just going to take it one step further. 

"Let thy food be thy medicine and thy medicine be thy food."

With this first step, I'm hoping to see major improvements in his bowls, mood and behavior... I'll keep you posted!

Logan enjoying his "non birthday" with a fresh milled blueberry muffin

He's Unique

Well, today was our second evaluation with the FDLRS program, and it went- as I expected.  On our initial evaluation day, the phycologist told me that in 30 years of experience, he had never met a case like Logan.  In fact, he told me he was "unique". Now, I DO  know, he IS unique- totally and completely created in the image of Christ, for Him and by Him. But, he has some odd behaviors that in the past did not worry me, but upon further reflection may be a problem.

  

Some of the behaviors that have concerned me are:

• Does not interact well with other children- mostly "side-by-side" plays.
• Is completely fixated the phone and elevators/escalators 
• Goes into his own world and plays "elevator" (sliding two things on the ground apart, and then back together while humming).
• Pinches himself and makes a high pitched noise when he is frustrated.
• Slaps himself in the face when I turn my sewing machine.
• In my opinon, is speech delayed.
• He's obsessed with being clean- makes me clean up water off the street.
• Gets so excited, he can't calm down.
• Has bowl issues- willful holding of stool for up to 7 days.

There are also things he did as a very young child, that we thought were "cute" or quirky- just "Logie"- and looking back over his short life, I see maybe these were some other warning signs for a more serious problem.  For instance:

• As a very young child, he would sit in a circle and "dance" in a circular motion for 10 minutes or so. 
• He would make a "bubble" noise by holding a fist and making a continual high pitched noise.  He would do it so often that his face would get raw, and rash.
• Walking after one year
• Didn't call us "Mom" or "Dad" until after he was two
• Couldn't form a question until he was 3 1/2 years old

When I look at these symptoms, I hear the word "autism" in the back of my mind.

I do understand that autism is a HUGE spectrum, and that if he is on the lower end, then he could potentially lead a fairly "normal" life. The phycologist, speech pathologist and child phycologist heard my concern, and did tell me that based on the information I gave them, I had reason to be worried.  

My heart sank, and went back to that cold operating room where I first laid eyes on him. I remembered the hopes, dreams, and fears of being a new young mom; and for the next several seconds-time stood still. 

After an intense three hour evaluation, they told me not to give him that "autistic" label just yet. While the symptoms I described above, may look like autism on paper, and if one were to observe him, and see his odd behavior they may say "yes, he's autistic"- he may not be. This is where the "unique" part comes in to play. What many people don't know, is that these symptoms are also signs of the early stages of tourette syndrome. BUT Logan does not exhibit all the MAJOR symptoms of touretts OR autism, for that matter. 

While I'm sitting in this little room, talking to these people, I begin to go through the motions, nodding and smiling, all the while going off into my own world.  SO WHAT THAN!  What is it, can you help me or not??  I think to myself.  I go back to that operating table.  I can almost hear Logan crying in the background, and feel the oxygen mask taped to my face.  In that moment, I thought "I wonder if Dr. G saw a label on his chest?"  Did it say:

AUTISTIC

TOURETTES

ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER

FOOD ALLERGIES 

And I hear God whisper in my ear "He's not perfect, Jackie, I'm perfect. I'm here with you". 

Once I'm present in the room again- I hear the word "anxiety". They told me that Logan is suffers from sever anxiety and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). His odd behaviors are a result of his anxious mind, and inability to express what he is feeling/wanting. They gave me an example of when they lined up to go outside. The other children were excited to play on

 the playground, but when there was a change happening, and he wasn't in control of it, he had an episode.  The other children left, all in a line to play on the playground. Once he saw the other kids having a good time, he calmed down, and played "with" the others.

SO...basically they see a need for specialized classroom intervention and want to help him, but they want to place him in the right class. There are different classes/teachers to meet the needs of a child's specific problem. Next Thursday we're going for ANOTHER evaluation at a different school, to see if it's the right fit. It's a therapeutic class, for children that aren't necessarily delayed (Logan is not-based on the three DIFFERENT evaluations), but are in need of a teacher that will help get them ready for the "real world" of kindergarten. 

I know God is present, He is with me, He is with Logan.  

Natalie Grant says "There's no such thing as perfect people.  There's no such thing as a perfect life.  So come as you are, broken and scared.  And be amazed, and be be changed by a perfect God." 

My Story

I woke up one morning in January 2005 with my whole life ahead of me.  I was 20 years old, working, going to school and had just moved into a beautiful brand new home with my boyfriend (now husband).  I was not planning, nor prepared for what came next... I was pregnant.  (warning: these are raw, real emotions) What am I going to do?  MY PARENTS ARE GOING TO KILL ME!  What will people think? How could this happen to me, I was on BIRTH CONTROL? I even (gasp) hoped for a miscarriage. But I learned that God knew what He was doing, and this was all apart of His perfect plan for our lives.

So, our next step was to tell our parents- which my the way went better then I ever dreamed, they were both SO supportive. We got married, and got ready to stat our family- which was going to happen in 5 short months.

My pregnancy was going well, until around 33 weeks.  My blood pressure was rising, I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and put on bed rest.  They scheduled my induction for 10/14/05, and due to major complications, an emergency c-section was performed at 5 pm... and there he was.  A perfect 20 1/2 inch, 7 lb 12 in long bouncing baby boy. My life as I knew it changed- for the better.

The three of us went about our lives, and for the most part, were your average American family.  Logan was a good, normal baby... or so I thought.

Fast forward 2 1/2 years, I fell pregnant again.  We were over the moon, and were elated to find out it was a girl. I had a healthy pregnancy and was excited to meet our newest addition.  I was scheduled for a repeat c-section on March 12, 2009 (39 weeks).  At the end of February, I got a nasty ear infection and sore throat, and was worried it would compromise my surgery- so I went to the walk-in clinic next to my house to get it checked out.  I brought my son with me

, and while I was there the doctor asked me how old he was.  I told him Logan was 3 1/2.  He said "you might want to get a speech evaluation."

I was APPALLED!  He was shy, and this doctor who DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME, OR MY SON, suggested that I get his SPEECH CHECKED.  I was so insulted, I vowed never to go back there.  When I got home, I called my Mom, and Mother-in Law, and all three of us were SHOCKED.

Later that night, I decided to give an old friend of mine a call- she' s a speech pathologist, and is GREAT at what she does.  While we were talking my heart leaped from my chest, rolled down into my stomach at hit the floor.  My perfect, bouncing baby boy was- SPEECH DELAYED.  

The next morning I spent hours calling schools, county programs and speech therapy offices.  I felt like the worst mother on earth.  I spent day-in and day-out with my son and I missed this.  A doctor who saw him for less then 5 minutes knew, and I didn't. I thought, maybe if I caught it sooner, he could have caught up by now.   What kind of mother misses something as big as this? Well, the LORD taught me, a human mother.

I spent the next several weeks on a waiting list to get him evaluated- both through a state paid program (FDLRS) and private speech. While I was waiting I went through every milestone (I still cry as I reflect) and I realized that not only was he speech delayed, but behaviorally and socially as well.  NOW I feel like the worst mother on earth.

In the mean time, we had our perfect beautiful 6 lb 13 oz, 19 1/2 in long, Lily Faye.  She was the perfect addition to our family, and the moment I had her, I knew our family was complete.

FINALLY, in April we had 2 evaluations- one for private speech and one for the county (with a 3 week old baby in tow).  For some UNGODLY reason, Logan passed his private evaluations.  They told me his issues were behavioral. The county told me, however, he was "unique", and required further evaluations. Seriously that's what the psychologist said, and  that in over 30 years of working with preschoolers, he had never seen a 

case like this (LOL, you have to laugh, so you don't cry). 

Since then, we've been waiting for our second evaluation. I've had time to really reflect over his short life, and I've been in prayer trying to hear what God is teaching me. I do believe God has a plan for him, and I also believe that He has a place for Logan in the FDLRS ("fiddlers") program.  I've learned that Logan was created for Him, by Him, and was given to me to love and guide him. I love my kids more than life itself, and it's only a drop in the ocean compared to the depth of Love that our Heavenly Father has for them.

Tomorrow, September 3 at 9.40 am, is our second evaluation. I am eager to hear what they have to say.  If you are a prayer warrior-please pray for us.