Learning Life

Proverbs 22:6

2011-01-14T13:18:00.000-08:00

"Train a child up in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it."

That's what we intend to do.

God laid it on my heart to homeschool my children.

I said yes.

Logan Update

2011-01-12T17:39:00.000-08:00

My precious Logan is getting big so fast. He amazes me everyday with his tender heart, and warm spirit. He's sooooo loving and giving that it just melts me. He's going to be such a great husband and father.

Logan has really blossomed in TPK (Therapeutic Pre Kindergaten). His teachers and therapists dote on him, and say he's on target to graduate in time for kindergarten. He's already mastered one goal... maybe more! We'll find out how he did last semester soon. He's reading site words, writing all his letters and even doing math. I'm so proud of him!

I still get stuck in the "why me"s from time to time, but I remember what an incredible journey, and blessing this has been. Don't get me wrong, I still get waves of brokeness from time to time- but they've gotten few and far between. I'm really working hard on enjoying the moment, because life is short, and they're only little once... and it's for such a short time.

We just signed Logan up for piano lessons (his first lesson is tomorrow!) and he's really excited about it! He loves music so much, and my hubby has been working with him now and then, but we decided it's time for him to have a professional teacher. I'm excited, but a little nervous. Logan does have OCD, so if something is not "just right" aka exactly what he's expecting, then he could have an episode- but I'm praying everything will be smooth sailing and he enjoys learning about music. My hubby and I both love music- my DJ is so talented, if you could just hear the music he composes he'd amaze you too- so I pray that Logan takes to it.

I also have some exciting news to share... but that deserves it's own post.

Lily Update

2011-01-12T16:43:00.000-08:00

My sweet little Lily has been getting bigger by the minute, sometimes I just can't keep up! She's learning new words everyday, and putting together two and three word sentences. She's even telling up when she has pooped or peed... I can feel our potty training days getting closer and closer. The other day, I took her to Babies-R-Us to pick out ANY potty she wanted. Can you guess what she picked?? ELMO of course!! She LOVES Elmo. She thinks DJ's laptop is an "Elmo machine" because of the countless times the two of them have watched it on YouTube.

My Lily has just been a light in our family. She's bright and cheerful (except when she's not), she has real passion and is the best little Mommy. She dotes on her dolls, giving them milk (a fake bottle) and wrapping them up for bed. Her new favorite game is to play "Night Night", forcing any willing adult to lay on the ground while she gives you "milk", a baby, covers you with a blanket, gives you a kiss, and bends over you with her pointer finger over her month proclaiming "shhhh shhhh".

Her hair is getting longer and thicker every day! She is, however, still sporting the rockin mullet. I've been trying since day one to put bows in her hair- but she just wont keep them in!! But, the other day, she had me put every bow she could find in her hair. I'm all about self expression, so I put 'em all in with a big smile on my face.

Lately, Lily has started throwing tantrums when she doesn't get her way. I'm hoping this is a quick stage- but like I said, she's got passion ;)

Full Swing

2010-11-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

Now that Halloween is over, the Christmas season is in full swing! I've started making my lists, planning Holiday menus, and even got a lot of my Christmas shopping DONE. My goal for this year is to have everything bought (and wrapped) the weekend after Thanksgiving.

This year, I'd like to enjoy the season with out all the stress of buying presents. I'm thinking of doing a cookie exchange with my girlfriends, maybe having a Christmas dinner with some couple friends and really enjoying spending time with my family! It's going to be the best year yet ;)

Lily is at such a fun age, and she's going to love opening the presents. Logan's just getting into "big boy" stuff- so we're having a blast picking out gift for him. I just love this time of year! I'm going to soak it all in.

I'm ready for fall

2010-10-31T19:11:00.000-07:00

But, apparently the south... is not.

It's so hot- we're melting here! I can't wait to put my kids in their cute long sleeved clothes. I keep saying to myself "any day now, any day now..."

I will not be complaining about the cold this winter (not that it actually gets cold, per se, but 50s and 60s is cold for us).

Clearing the Clutter

2010-10-31T18:55:00.001-07:00

Well, after months of purging, organizing, and redecorating- I think we finally got it! I'm loving the look of our house now- it feels like a new home!!

Here are some photos (in no certain order mostly because I'm not gadget girl and this is the best I could do uploading multiple pictures on blogger)

The Dinning room

Formal living room

Master bath

A cute model

Master bedroom

Art work in the dining room

One view of the formal living room

Family room

This is above the family room couch (that's my husbands hair, hehe)

She kept following me around saying "cheese, cheese"

Above the kitchen sink

Above the microwave

Happy Halloween

2010-10-31T18:35:00.000-07:00

Well, our weekend didn't go as planned. I feel like God has a funny way of reminding me that I'm not in control...

I spent hours planning and working on costumes and a "spooky menu" (which consisted of bat wings, deviled eyes, and maggots and cheese... but I digress) and Saturday morning I woke up not feeling very well. But, in good spirit, I got up and got ready for Logan's EIGHT THIRTY soccer game, came home dropped the Lily off (Logan went home with my mother in law) and ran a quick errand.

When I got home Lily was still napping so I decided to lay down and get some shut eye- but when I woke up I was so sick I couldn't move. I rolled out of bed and laid on the couch while Lily had a snack. Then Doug announced from the bedroom he was sick, too!! We did what we could between the two of us, but poor Lily sat in the pack n play watching Nick Jr for longer than I care to share. I kept looking at the clock saying "6 more shows till bedtime. 5 more shows till bedtime..."

Finally, at 5 pm my mother in law came and got her! She had both kids overnight and they spent all day today (Sunday) over there.

That wasn't exactly the "family fun day" I had planned.

So, I spent the day cleaning and disinfecting every inch of this house.

When the kids got home, Logan had 100.1 fever... a great way to start the evening! But, I have him some motrin, got the kids dressed and headed out for some Halloween fun! Hopefully he'll be on the mend soon.

Doug and I both feel better (thank God) but still not 100%. This virus was fast and furious.

Don't Blink

2010-10-27T12:35:00.000-07:00

Because your sweet baby boy will soon turn FIVE!

Happy (belated) FIFTH Birthday Logan

10/14/05

40 Days

2010-10-27T12:27:00.000-07:00

Recently I went on a 40 day television fast... actually I haven't watched TV since so I guess it's a 42 day fast now.

I really felt convicted that I was watching too much television, and decided I'd like to focus my attention on other areas of my life: like my family, and friends.

I thought I wasn't going to be able to do it- but it was easier than I thought!! I missed all the premiers of my favorite shows, and I didn't even care! I now spend my evenings talking to my husband, playing bored games and reading. I'd like to invest time into sewing- something I LOVE doing, but don't have much time for.

We're not sure what the "TV future" holds for us... but we're very close to canceling cable.

Pumpkin Patch

2010-10-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

Saturday we took the kids to the pumpkin patch to pick out the perfect pumpkin for carving... we ended up taking home 5 pumpkins and one gored. I couldn't help myself! I love this time of year (even though it's still 90 degrees outside) and watching my kids frolic in the hay made my day!

After the pumpkin patch we headed down to the near by mall to go for train rides and dinner.

It was an awesome day!

Pictures!

2010-10-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited right now, because we're finally able to upload our pictures onto our computer again!! You see, my hard drive was full- what with 20,000 pictures and all (no joke)- so I haven't been able to upload pictures from my camera to the computer.

BUT, we got a new computer, cleaned up my old hard drive AND voila! pictures again.

Soon, I will be able to have posts with pictures.

It's the simple things in life ;)

It's not just the garage...

2010-08-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

I wish I could blame all my, ahem, clutter on my wonderful Mother in law, but the truth is it's a problem we've had since moving here 6 years ago.

I'm an "everything in it's place" girl, and the fact is we just don't have a place for everything. And, I believe, that's because we simply have too much!!

So far, I've gone through each closet and got rid of clothes that don't fit/have a stain/or damaged. I've also gone through the kids toys, and if it was broken it got thrown away. Any unnecessary toy got given to family with little or no toys. Since then, my kids are actually playing better! They enjoy the toys they have, and can find them (imagine that!).

I've filed all paperwork and have a place for unpaid bills- I'm finding it less stressful because I know where everything is!!

By nature, I'm a "piler". I make a pile for everything... I'm working on that! At the end of the day, I have a pile for Lily's stuff, Logan's stuff, unpaid bills, laundry, stuff that needs to go in my car, etc. But, each night I'm taking 15 extra minutes to clear the piles (well, the one's that can be cleared). This makes my mornings easier and less stressful. I think once I find a home for every orphaned item, that task will be easier, too!

For now, I'm enjoying cutting the clutter. It's cathartic!

Less is MORE

2010-08-18T12:32:00.001-07:00

Alternately titled: Out with old, in with the... well NOTHING hopefully.

We have too much stuff. We live in a beautiful home, 4 bedrooms, 2 baths, and adequate living space. Our problem, however, is we have too much stuff!!

I am a purger- I always have been, always will be. I do hold on to somethings for sentimental value, but my hard and fast rule is "if it hasn't been used/worn in 6 months (with the exception of seasonal items) it's going to Good Will". My hubby on the other hand has clothes that he wore his senior year of high school... no seriously he does. Which would be totally fine if he wasn't adding to his collection- but he is... and it's craziness.

My mother in law is a self proclaimed "stuff girl". She knows how to place it, stack it, pack it, fit it, and organize it. She's an interior designer and her home is beautiful; it looks like a showroom for a magazine. However, it's not functional for a family of 4 and not functional for a stay at home mom with two small children.

Anyway, in love, she passes down stuff to me. I in the past, have purged the things I don't want- then she says "I see you don't have the [insert purged item here] out anymore. May I have it back?" Me "uh....."

So now, after being questioned several times, I have kept things I'm not using in order to ahem avoid having an awkward conversation. Now I have a garage full of stuff I don't want. FULL.

Today, I'm purging. Out with the old, in with the... well NOTHING.

I'm learning to be content with what I have.

Playgroup

2010-08-18T03:03:00.000-07:00

When I was pregnant with Logan, I joined our local MOMS club. I didn't know anyone else that was having a baby, and I really wanted to connect with people in the same life stage.

For a time, it was the perfect fit. We went on field trips, had monthly meetings, had Holiday parties, and made friends (that were all with in 5 miles!). But the great thing about the MOMS club was the weekly playgroup. We met every Friday morning at 10am and would have 2-15 kids at any given time! Each person on the "playgroup roster" would take a turn hosting in their home.

But, as time went on an the children got older, our chapter of the MOMS club got very small. Many members were phasing out because their older children were school age, and wrapped up in other actives.

Logan and I were very involved in the club. I even served on the board two years in a row, VP the first year, President the second.

There were some negative things about the club- but overall it was so much fun, and kept us busy for three years.

The last year I was in the club, my very close friend (and fellow MC member) got pregnant with sextuplets. A member of the club, E, came to me and asked if I would like to help her with an event she was putting together to help raise money for sextuplet's family. Of course, I was eager to help!!

As I got more involved in the "Baby Shower", I started to witness something I've never seen before. My partner, E, wasn't doing this shower for the family- she was doing it to glorify the Lord. The more I got to know her, the more I wanted to be around her. I was a "lost Christian" when she found me, wondering around the same mountain for years until she picked me up turned me around and put me on the right path. She became (and still is) my "Spiritual Mother".

We held the event at her Church. It was perfect- AND we raised over $1,000 for the family!!

Over time "her Church" became MY Church, and I'm so happy it did.

Anyway, after the shower, our friendship continued. We had SO much in common, and we were spending lots of time together.... and when we weren't together, we were talking on the phone.

Our friendship grew, and so did our bellies! We got pregnant at the exact same time!! We were only eight days apart!! It was so wonderful experiencing such a special thing with someone so special to me.

Now, we get together with another sweet friend and our little ones play while we have playgroup. It's the BEST set up EVER!! No MC drama, no gossip, no negative talk. Just slightly inappropriate jokes, Starbucks coffee, and friends.

Football

2010-08-16T15:24:00.000-07:00

It has been an incredible summer for us! Our family truly enjoyed spending the hot summer days (and nights, and mornings, and afternoons) together.

But, now it's time to get back on track and on a schedule... or somewhat of a routine.

One day while Logan was watching a movie, he expressed interest in "joining a team". Excited, I signed him up for the next available sport. Football.

Practices are once a week in the evening, and he has 8am games on Saturday morning- which probably sounds awful for y'all, but here on the surface of the sun it's actually the BEST time for a game, cause it's only 94 degrees outside at that hour.

This is Logan's first exposure to team sports, and all things considered he's done really well. He has a young coach, and he's so patient with Logan- and all the others. We have the smallest team, so the past two games we've "borrowed" a player from the other team ;)

In the beginning of the game, Logan's excited and running; but the end of the game he's chasing dragonflies. He even ran the other direction when he had the ball last week ;)

I just love spending my time watching my kids grow and learn.

Strangers in the Rain

2010-08-16T14:40:00.001-07:00

One dark and stormy night (okay, it wasn't dark- but it WAS raining!) I was driving my very young toddler down the slippery street. It had just started raining and I was on my way home from a VERY long day. My husband had been sent to the emergency room from work, and my eighteen month old was staying with my Mom. Once he got the all clear to leave (he was fine, just a REALLY bad case of indigestion), he drove home while I picked up Logan.

I was going about 65 miles an hour on a busy street- I was rushing cause I was exhausted and so ready to be home. Before I knew it, my car was spinning and totally out of control. After what seemed like hours, I stalled to a stop on the side of the VERY busy road and I climbed out of my car. We weren't hurt, but I had no idea what happened. I did a "check of the lights" on my dash, but everything seemed fine.

So, I got out of my car to see if everything was okay. What was once a tire was shredded all over the road. There was nothing on my rim. Nothing.

I didn't know what to do, so I pulled Logan out of the car, put him in an umbrella stroller (in the rain remember) because I was more concerned that someone would ram into us going, well, 65 miles an hour.

You see, it was rush hour, on a busy street, with NO side walk, no bike lane, nothing.

After I get Logan safely buckled in, I call my husband. Who calls his Mom. Who calls her husband. They're all AT LEAST 45 minutes away from me, and I'm standing in the pouring rain with a toddler on a busy street. Of course we call AAA but what I really wanted was a dry place to put my baby (and myself, but of course, him first).

All of sudden a big white beat up truck pulls up behind me. A tall dark middle aged man came running towards me.

At that moment I said a silent prayer, and looked around me. The cars came rushing by like I was a nobody, and my only witnesses were the 30 goats in the field next to me.

By the time he got to me, he was screaming "open your trunk" over the roar of the rain.

I had to think fast, because surely this would be the time and place that I would die. I pushed Logan's stroller as close to the goats as possible and asked God to please let a family member find him if I nor the car were no longer here. I gripped my keys between my fingers and I held my cell phone as tight as I possibly could. I thought if he threw me in the car I could at least call 911, or I could do that thing I saw on Oprah one time and kick out the tail light. I just hoped that he didn't knock me out first.

I did what he said out of fear. He worked fast. He moved all my "mom gear" from the trunk to the back seat. And then he did the unthinkable.

He lifted the carpet and used this crazy looking square tool and started spinning it. Then from underneath the car popped out my spare tire.

There he was, in the pouring rain, changing my tire. A stranger's tire. Just then my husband calls me.

I answer the phone. He asks my a barage of questions, none of which I can remember now. All I remember asking him is "what should I do?" He told me, "Give him all the cash you have. Everything in your wallet."

It took the man several minutes to finish, and by the time he had my husband was less than a mile away.

I pulled out my wallet and handed him the money.

He wouldn't take it. He just said (and this is not an exact quote cause it's been several years but this is as close as it gets) "My rewards are not of this world. I'm building my treasures in Heaven."

Yes you are.

And let me tell you, that was a defining moment for me. I'll never forget that man and what he did for me that day. I look forward to telling him that in "person" when we're in Glory.

I'm up in the Nursery

2010-07-13T20:54:00.000-07:00

Mother, oh Mother
come shake out your cloth,
empty the dustpan,
poison the moth,
hang out the washing
and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.

Where is the mother whose house
is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery,
blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown shiftless as
Little Boy Blue.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due.
The shopping's not done
and there's nothing for stew
and out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
but I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?

The cleaning and scrubbing
will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up,
as I've learned through my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs.
Dust, go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep...

Poem written by Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

A Father's Celebration!

2010-06-22T12:20:00.000-07:00

Well, this year Father's Day, and my husband's birthday were a day apart!

So, my wonderful hubby had TWO days of celebration!

We kicked off on Friday when we picked up the cookie bouquet I ordered for him. It's so hard to buy presents for him, and I wanted to get something that I knew he would love, so I got a "musical" cookie bouquet. It had guitars and stars and tickets on it... it was sooo cute! On Sunday, I packed up the kids and took them to church. We got to see my Dad for a little bit (and he got to check out Lily's new walking trick!). Then, we came home and I made lunch for me and Doug and the kids. We relaxed and did just want my hubby wanted- a whole lot of nothing.

Then, we stopped by my in-laws for a little bit in the afternoon. Then, we put the kids to bed early and had a little time for ourselves.

The next day, was my husband's birthday! I spent the morning running around and gathered up all his favorite things. First stop- Target to pick up a DVD he wanted Logan to have; then we went to Publix to pick up his cake; then we went to Dunkin Donuts to get and eclair and coffee; and finally Subway to get there new breakfast sandwich (only TWO points!).

The day went a little different than expected, because we took Logan to an impromptu Dr apt (more on that later). So while I whisked Logan away, Daddy and Lily spent some quality time together.

My Mom came over around 4 o'clock and we took the kid and picked up Outback for the whole crew (My parents/DJ's parents/our family). It was nice to sit around our kitchen table and not have the stress of cooking/cleaning up after a party. Then we sang and cut the cake that Logan picked out earlier that morning.

It was a wonderful way to celebrate a wonderful man!

Thank you, honey, for all you do for our family. Your hard work, kind spirit, and gentle touch are some of the reasons I love you so much. You're an amazing Dad, and I fall in love with you more and more everyday!

Weight Watchers

2010-06-22T04:33:00.001-07:00

Well , I decided once and for all I HAVE to get rid of this baby weight!! So, I decided to join weight watchers online.

I'm soooo excited about it, because I'm able to eat the foods I make and still lose weight.

When I got pregnant with Logan, I was already over weight; and by the time he was a year old I was back at my PRE DELIVERY date!! So, I worked my butt off (litterally)

and lost 70 pounds, and kept it off for a year.

It did help that my mother-in-law joined a weight loss clinic,
And lost 50 pounds... I didn't want to be the woman who's Mom is hotter than her :)

Then when I got pregnant with Lily, I vowed NOT to gain a ton a weight and to be back at my pre prego weight with in three months of delivery. Well, I didn't gain a ton of weight (only 39) BUT it's been 15 months and I'm still closer to my delivery weight then my pre pregnancy weight :/

So, I joined Weight Watchers Online in the hopes to lose 30 pounds by Christmas. I'm super excited about it (I LOVE the iPhone app) and I've already lost 4 pounds!

Only 31 more to go!!

Where Does Time GO?

2010-06-09T08:41:00.000-07:00

June 2009

June 2010

Where does time GO?

Schools Out for Summer

2010-06-09T07:57:00.001-07:00

The summer is finally here! Today is Logan's last day of school, and I couldn't be happier. School's out, the weather is warm, and VBS starts next week. But I can't help but think about where I was this time last year. I felt so alone, so lost, and out of control. I had no idea what was in store for our family; and in some ways I still don't- but at least we have help!

Ever year I teach/volunteer at VBS (Vacation Bible School). And last year Logan really struggled. He was a sweet boy trapped inside his body, and we didn't know how to help him. In fact on the second day of VBS I was told "something's not quite right."

By this time (June 2009), he had already been evaluated by FDLRS and was waiting for his second evaluation- which only happened during school months so we had to wait till August. When the preschool director at my church pulled me aside to talk about Logan I completely broke down. I hadn't fully come to grips with this challenge God laid out for me- and having another professional tell me "he's unique" was almost unbearable to hear.

However, Logan's not the only one growing- him Mom is, too. And that Mom who started this blog was a woman in a lot of pain. She was mourning the loss of a son she thought she had.

I'm proud to announce that I'm not that woman anymore. Yes, I still have painful days; and yes I still ask "why me". But today I stand (well, actually I'm sitting but whose checking) before you a new Mom. One who's learning everyday is a gift, and I'm working more and more on enjoying the miracle in the moment.

He's come so far, and grown a lot over the past eight months. He's our pride and joy, and I'm so thankful God blessed me with him.

First Day of School (10/15/09)

Little Daddy

2010-06-08T13:36:00.000-07:00

Logan is the best "little Daddy" to his sister. I'm constantly hearing things like "please don't put that in your mouth;" and "you're sooooo pretty Lily."

He has a tender touch, and gentle heart. He tells me that Lily is his best friend- and he's ALWAYS looking out for her.

He'll play, "read", and even sing to her. She's very blessed to have him :)

And we're blessed to have them both.

Summertime

2010-06-07T14:57:00.000-07:00

Although we're very sad that Logan's therapist will not be returning next year, I'm thrilled the last day of school is in TWO short days.

We have lots of fun day trips planned (and a couple vacations too). My husband's work usually slows down in the summer, which gives us time to enjoy family time!

I can't wait to take the kids to the beach! We went last year, but now that Lily's a little older, she'll be able to enjoy it more.

I'm also planning on spending LOTS of time...

in our back yard.

Moving On

2010-06-07T14:09:00.000-07:00

Logan's beloved therapist told me she was retiring.

I couldn't hold back the tears as she uttered the words "I'm retiring." I've been so focused on helping my son, that I honestly never even considered that one of the key people in his developmental pre-school could move on.

I'm feel so blessed that Mrs. B shared her talent with my family. Not only was she dedicated to Logan at school, but she was dedicated to his home and family life too. She made house calls, took phone calls from a crying mother, led a parenting class (that helped me SO much), and became a friend.

She's helped countless children, and we so thankful we were one of them. You will be missed Mrs. B.

Guilty.

2010-04-29T14:27:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling slightly guilty for tonight's "dinner". I ordered pizza... which wouldn't be so bad.

Except.

I went out to brunch, too.

Oops.

House Rulls

2010-04-28T16:45:00.000-07:00

This year, I've really been working on our "Family Rules". I grew up in a loving home, and we had set boundaries- and that's something I want for my kids too!

Some (basic) rules we have are:

1. Sit together for dinner as often as possible.
2. Respect each other (no yelling, back talking, don't be demanding)
3. Use a kind loving tone, even when disciplining (I admit, this isn't always easy... but I'm working on it)
4. ABSOLUTELY no hitting. Hands are for hugging!
5. Help clean up our messes.

Well, tonight I learned a tough lesson on follow through. My husband and I have laid out some consequences for breaking the rules.... and tonight Logan hit his sister. The consequence for hitting in our house is: no TV, no treats, go to bed 30 minutes early.

After he hit her, I sat him down, and got eye to eye with him. I lowered my voice and spoke in very clear three to five word sentences (this tecnique is called "low and slow"; it's very useful for children with sensory issues). "Logan, (pause) we don't hit. (pause) Hands are for hugging. (pause) When we hit (pause) then there is a consequence. (pause)" I repeated that phrase about three times. He was very upset and I hugged him and told him that he needed to cool off in his room for 4 minutes.

I SO badly wanted to run in there and tell him "no big deal blah blah blah" and then give him cookies and pretend nothing happened- but that wouldn't be very responsible of me {poo}.

Luckily for me, this incident happened around 6.30pm ANYWAY, so I didn't have too much back lash- I just started my bedtime routine right then! But when I laid him down at 7.30, and he begged me to let him watch TV, and he told me how sorry he was, and how he wanted to talk to sister and tell her he was wrong- I REALLY wanted to give in... but I didn't. I lovingly told him "that phrase" hugged him and told him that I love him very much.

And now??

He's asleep. And it's not even 8 yet... I guess there is something to be said about following through. Who knew?

Five

2010-04-27T17:59:00.000-07:00

In honor of our

FIFTH wedding anniversary

(nine years together)

we've decided to go on a kid free weekend getaway to the beach!

I can't wait to get some much needed rest and relaxation with my hubby ;)

Out Grown

2010-04-27T16:43:00.001-07:00

We have a beautiful home, on a quiet street, in a gated community... but some days I feel overwhelmed by the clutter, and lack of storage. The truth is, we've out grown this house and are in the market for a new one!

We've lived here for (almost) six years, and honestly it will be hard to move from the home where we brought our children home. Where they BOTH took their first steps. Where we built a life...

BUT

We found a beautiful piece of property about 20 miles south of where we live now. It's about 1/2 an acre on a river (that opens up to the mouth of the Gulf)- and honestly it's a steal! Once we buy the land, we'll have two years to build a home.

I'm REALLY looking forward to designing a home that fits our needs. I'm praying that it all works out and we're able to sell our home and build our DREAM home :)

I'm Back!

2010-04-20T04:36:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I've taken such a long hiatus from this blog- I've just been trying to catch my breath here!

Sometimes I find it hard to find the balance between mom, wife, lover, and friend.

I'll give you the Cliff Notes version of what's been going on:

1. My husband searched for a new job.
2. Walks in the door and says "let's go on a cruise." We book it, and leave a week later (um... seriously people I didn't even have Lily's birth certificate, let alone sun screen!)
3. He quit his job at the bank and moved to a completely different field.
4. Lily's Birthday! She's one- how fast did that go?!?
5. We celebrated Easter (He's Alive!).
6. I take the kids (with my mom) to NYC to visit my sister. Loved the city, but so glad I live in suburbia.
7. Beth Moore Conference.

That's it for now! Off to Bible study. Oh! and check back later- I have pictures to put up :)

Playing Catch

2010-02-23T03:52:00.000-08:00

-Up that is!

We've been so busy, I haven't found time to blog at all :(

When Lily's napping I'll write a post on all that's been going on (including our surprise family cruise my hubby gave me).

For now, I want to vent... about myself. A couple months ago I wrote this post about suffering from the "manys". That was a serious five finger point at M-E. And here I am three months later going around that same mountain.

iwillpurgeiwillpurgeiwillpurge

This spring, I'm doing some SERIOUS spring cleaning (and hopefully helping some folks out in the process).

Okay, back to folding about 4 loads of laundry (no joke).

He's not just anyone, he's my son

2010-01-20T09:51:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Logan came home with his first report card. I found it at the bottom of his bag, tucked neatly in a white envelope. I opened it- not know what it was.

Once I unfolded it, and figured out what it was my heart sank. I saw several Ns (to be expected) and felt a deep sadness*... but I wasn't surprised.

*It's one thing to know your son has a "delay" or isn't typical, and it's another thing to see it in black and white on a very official looking state approved report card.

The report listed the goals for this year (there were 6) and then gave a grade next to each one. M- mastered, S- satisfactory, and N- needs improvement. He got 2 Ns and 4 Ss.

Annual Goal that received an N:

Circle time- participate for 15 minutes and answer simple questions.
Demonstrate fine motor skills and coordination needed for writing.

There was also an entire page of accomplishments and tribulations. A couple things that stood out: "Logan is learning to do things more independently like open his own milk carton and food wrappers." and "Logan uses the bathroom independently with no accidents!".

When I read that I thought (insert sarcastic tone here) "great".

As I was driving today I prayed a prayer I've prayed many many many times. It went something like:

"I need to You to heal him. / Please Lord God give me the strength to help him grow into a strong man of God. / Free him of his OCD, Lord. / Help him not to be scared Father. Let him know You're there."

And Mark Schultz's song "He's my Son" came on the radio.

That's it! That's my song!

Now, I know that song is a tragic song about a terminally ill child- but I really felt like it described my prayer. He doesn't have a terminal disease (Thank You Thank You Thank You Jesus for that), yet he's a prisoner in his own mind. He's constantly telling me he has a stomach ache (worry) or he's scared (panic).

We're working on it Logan. I'm doing my best, I hope it's enough.

I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
I'm sure You can understand
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes

CHORUS:
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there

CHORUS

Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son

My Job Description

2010-01-13T12:01:00.000-08:00

I am a:

Chauffeur
Personal Shopper
Personal Chef
Pastry Chef
Nurse
House Keeper
Organizer
Teacher
Woman of God
Finance Manager
Banker
Travel Agent
Boo boo fixer
Television turn-er on-er
Cheer-er up-er
Coffee Maker
Laundry Matt operator
Technician
And so much more...

But y'all make it worth it.

Winter we Welcome You

2010-01-13T09:12:00.000-08:00

While most of my state is O-V-E-R this cold weather, my family is embracing it(30 degrees is cold for us you know). When the thermometer dips this low, it makes me (not so) secretly wish we lived where it snowed.

Everyday my palm trees are covered with ice, my lawn is dying, and despite my best effort to save my plants (by covering them with my bed sheets) Jack Frost is biting them with everything he has. I imagine that this spring we'll be relandscaping- which is fine by me.

I'm still working on getting organized. We're going to be doing some furniture moving this weekend, and I'm really looking forward to it. It's going to give us so much more space in our family area- plus be much safer for Lily (I'll take some pictures and do a post on it later).

Lots planned today- oil change, car wash, Target, bank, bill paying (yuck!). It's a "no fun" job, but someone has to do it! Hopefully tomorrow I can do something fun with the kids0 like the park!

My prayers are with Haiti- praying for all those affected by the earthquake.

Happy 10 months Lily

2010-01-12T12:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Princess Lady Lily Lou (that's her full name... okay it's not, but I think it's cute),

What a sweet treasure you are! You are so full of life and energy, and everything about you makes me smile (well almost everything). You eat absolutly everything I give you, from avocados to black beans, you're a trouper and I love cooking for you. You love shoes (wonder where you got that from) playing with your brother's toys, going for walks, and watching Baby Einstein (you call it "baby"). You're all over the house these days, which is a challenge- especially when you and your brother go in different directions- but I love every minute of it.

You're fitting in 12-18 month clothing, but you mostly wear 18-24 (Daddy likes to make sure you have lots of room, cause well, you have a rounded bell- and "baby boobs"). You laugh and play all day long, it's (almost) impossible to be in a bad mood when you're around! You like to play with things you can't have- like the phone, wires, hair, etc- and you're always trying to steel food off our plates (go figure).

I feel so blessed to call you my daughter. I prayed and prayed and prayed for you, and God answered my prayer and more. You're the perfect addition to our family, and I couldn't ask for more. I look forward to celebrating your first birthday, going on mother-daughter dates, and taking you out for tea.

I look forward to teaching you about Jesus, and His immeasurable gift He has given us. I'm excited for all your firsts- but mostly I'm focused on today. Today you're a loudish, funny, cute little sister that has brightened my day. Thank you.

Love,
Mommy

Out of the Mouths of Babes (or Four Year Old) Updated Version

2010-01-07T09:19:00.000-08:00

**UPDATE** Now that I have a little more time, I'm going to explain (and add to) some of Logan's... comments from this post.

Lily's sucking Mommy's penis- One day I was wearing a shirt that was "bumpy", and because Logan has a sensory issue he kept petting me. All. Day. Long. He was rubbing and rubbing and rubbing my boob! So, I said (over and over and over) "Logan, please stop touching Mommy." "Logan, please don't touch Mommy." So, finally, I said (in a firm loving manner) "Logan, that's private, please stop touching me."

A couple hours later he saw me nursing and said "Lily's sucking Mommy's penis" because I always tell him "Your penis is private, it's only for you" (partially cause I'm petrified of pedophiles."

MMMM CORN, THAT'S MY FAVORITE!

Me: Are you a boy or a girl? Logan: BOY! Me: Why? (he couldn't answer) Because you have a penis. Logan: Does Daddy have a penis? Me: Yes, he's a boy. Logan: Does Lily have a penis? Me: No, honey she's a girl. Logan: That's right, Lily has a butt.

Grammie, you have a diaper on!- My Mother-in-Law has back issues, and was wearing a back brace! Priceless :)

I can't want to!

I can't want it!

(Holding a tampon) Is this for your butt?

Don't stick the toilet paper inside me!

Out of the Mouths of Babes (or Four Year Old)

2010-01-05T14:40:00.000-08:00

Okay, I don't have much time, so I will write an updated post with the explanations to (some of) these.

As most of you know, my son is (what I feel is) speech delayed (No need to beat a dead horse, I just still think it's utterly rediculous that he "doesn't fail enough" to get official speech therapy). Anyway, because he's made MAJOR advancements the past 8 weeks, he's been talking a whole lot more.

Here are some of the things he's said that have made me (and my husband) laugh at loud:

Lily's sucking Mommy's penis.

MMMM CORN, THAT'S MY FAVORITE!

Me: Are you a boy or a girl? Logan: BOY! Me: Why? (he couldn't answer) Because you have a penis. Logan: Does Daddy have a penis? Me: Yes, he's a boy. Logan: Does Lily have a penis? Me: No, honey she's a girl. Logan: That's right, Lily has a butt.

Grammie, you have a diaper on!

I can't want to!

I can't want it!

I have many more, but I don't want my chicken to burn. I'll update soon!

A Little More About ME.

2009-12-31T07:09:00.001-08:00

Some things you may not know about me:

I always heat stuff up in the microwave for 17 seconds.
I use the phrase "like I said" a little too much.
I keep a very clean house- but a very messy car.
I'm paranoid that someone is always listening in on my phone calls. In fact when I'm talking on the phone I'll say "If someone's listening that was a joke..."
I am the TOTAL opposite of a pack rat. Because I don't hold (much) value to worldly things I often give things to others. I call it "the ultimate recycle".
I spend lots of money on my kids clothes- and virtually none on myself. I'm working on that this coming year.
I have a slight addiction to kids pajamas.
I often start projects and never finish them- that's another goal for 2010.
I love the beach, but hate the sand.
I took 3 years of Spanish and can probably on say two phrases.
I'm a God fearing, baby wearing, organic eating, whole food baking, no spanking, kind word speaking, "big word" explaining, anti- chemical using, self proclaimed "hippy-go-free-free" kind of Mom.
YET, I'm pro vaccination (Sorry R), non co-sleeping, diet coke drinking, (sometimes) bleach using, saved by Grace kind of Mom too.
I'm working on being more environmentally contentious- another 2010 goal.
I love being married to an only child. I'm the daughter my in laws never had :)
I NEVER watch scary movies... not even the commercials.

Well there you have it! Until next time- HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! May God continue to bless you this year. Remember, each day is a gift.

The World

2009-12-21T10:18:00.001-08:00

may need may need ear plugs.

They may see him has a nuisance.

But I see him as gift.

The best gift.

Thank you Logan- for just being you.

Less than 10 days to Christmas and

2009-12-16T08:43:00.000-08:00

IT'S EIGHTY DEGREES!

Seriously, I'm getting depressed from all this sunshine and heat. Can we get a little cool breeze for Christmas morning?

Is that too much to ask?

I mean, really, opening presents in shorts and a tank top doesn't scream "Christmas Morning" to me!

Santa Disclaimer II

2009-12-15T14:01:00.000-08:00

Well... after spending all this time making it known that we "don't do Santa"- my son had a different idea.

He came home from school yesterday, looked out the window and said "Mommy, I hear it. The sleigh's outside."

How could I crush his dreams?? What's a Mom to do?

I know! I could download an iPhone app.

Ug, thoughts???

Another Tooth...

2009-12-14T18:55:00.000-08:00

Or two!

Lily's two canine teeth broke through last night- and her front two are right behind. By Christmas she'll have six teeth- not that she needs them. Gumming food has not slowed her down one bit! I seriously think she eats more then me.

Tonight she had black beans, rice, a quesodilla, AND about 1 1/2 cup of butternut squash. That girls crazy- but totally cute!

Where did my little newborn go?

Better Late then Never

2009-12-11T05:08:00.000-08:00

Forgiveness is hard. Especially when you have to forgive yourself.

As hard as this is to admit, when I look back at pictures of my son's first years, I feel a deep pain. I look at pictures of a perfect baby boy- and an ignorant mother. A mother that glosses over warning signs of a son that has special needs. I see a beautiful innocent boy that's crying for help- and a mother that's caught up in "life" to see it.

Here are some examples of some pictures that are painful view.

This is the ghost of Christmas past:

Christmas 2006 (Logan is 15 months)

Christmas 2007 (Logan is just over 2)

Christmas 2008

Notice every picture he has a phone. Why didn't I see it? Where was I? Why didn't I see it?

Ouch. I need to forgive myself.

At least I can see the fixation now. Better late then never.

Santa Disclaimer

2009-12-10T08:37:00.001-08:00

I want to be totally and completely open and honest on my blog. My husband and I decided (before we had children) that we wouldn't "do Santa". That has sometimes been hard for me the past few years. There are days I'm not sure, and there are days where I know we're making the right decision.

He does watch Christmas movies, and he knows who Santa is- but as far as he's concerned Santa is like Mickey Mouse. Make believe. All the gifts come from us and we don't set out cookies and we don't "ask Santa" for anything. He's just a character on TV and in books.

Some family and friends have called us "The Grinches". Some have expressed to us that we are steeling some magical childhood moment from our kids- and others have completely supported it.

Don't get me wrong, as a child I have very fond memories of coming down stairs and feeling the magic and wonder that Santa knew what I wanted. Having the feeling that he knew me. In fact, I never had that "you lied to me" or "you betrayed me" feeling when I figured out the truth. I didn't care who I was getting the presents from- as long as I was getting presents.

It's actually because of that, that solidified our decision. I want my son and daughter's Christmas to be focused on Christ. I don't want to conform to what the world says is "normal". Because I'm not normal.

Comfort Food

2009-12-10T07:48:00.000-08:00

Well, it's freezing cold outside- for most of the United States.

Here in the south, it's 80 degrees and humid. Go figure.

I never thought I'd be sweating and wearing a t-shirt and flip flops while visiting Santa.

BUT since I'm in the "wintery mood" I've been on a soup kick. Yesterday I made an awesome potato soup and today I just put split pea soup in the crock pot.

Maybe I'll turn the AC to 60 and put on a sweat shirt.

Christmas Cards- the Outtakes.

2009-12-09T17:27:00.000-08:00

We went to the local mall to take pictures for our Christmas cards.

They went... as expected.

Lily tried to steel Logan's candy cane.

We* couldn't get them both to look at the camera

*my Mom and I

They both found interesting "things" on the ground.

But they're still stinkin' cute.

If I do say so myself.

Out of 146 photos-

We only got one good one.

But we got some relief

at dinner.

and the Second One gets that shaft.

2009-12-08T05:27:00.000-08:00

Lily is such an awesome baby- for the most part. She has her moments (and her days) that make me wonder "we planned this one, right?".

But all-in-all she's a great young lady, and the perfect second child. She rolls with the punches (sometimes literally) and goes with the flow. But while I was feeding her a nutritious breakfast of graham crackers and organic puffs, I got to thinking...

With my first I did everything "by the book":

He ate only jarred foods (which, at the time, I thought was best)
He was on a very strict sleeping and eating schedule
His bed sheets were changed EVERYDAY (a little OCD on my part I know)
He played with the safest, most up to date toys (although he would have been happy with a twig- or a phone... go figure)
He was changed often, always had his face wiped, and his clothes never had a stain or mark on them. If they did, his clothes were promptly changed, and the stain treated.
He was only exposed to Baby Einstein on DVD

Not to mention I:

Cleaned the whole house- top to bottom everyday
Did laundry everyday
Exposed Logan to friends, play dates, and "outings" often
Wiped down his toys with Clorox wipes, and made sure if his cup hit the floor it would be properly washed (I always had a back up)
Wiped the cart, restaurant high chairs, and tables. If his hand so much as grazed any of those things- it was wiped too
My diaper bag was sufficiently packed with everything I might need- and I had a back up in my car

With my second child, most of that junk went out the window. I don't have a rigid schedule, my house is nowhere near that clean- seriously- her sheets get changed once every week (or two- hanging my head in shame), I rarely bring a diaper bag let alone a well stocked one, I forget to bring food with me so we resort to pancakes (something I NEVER would have given Logan before his first birthday), she's never ridden in a grocery cart, I always "wear" her, I can't remember the last time I wiped her toys, she's never had an official "play date", and she watches Nick Jr.

Please don't call CPS on me- I'll put a Baby Einstein on today.

the Message in the mess

2009-12-04T05:20:00.000-08:00

... of Christmas that is.

I am blessed beyond belief, and yet suffer from the "manys".

Many months of planning
Many decorations
Many hours shopping
Many dollars spent
Many hours thinking about/worrying about presents
Many hours of thinking about lights (yes I'm guilty of that)
Many outfits (I'm guilty of that, too)
Many gifts bought
Many.. many.. many...

God, however gave us the BEST gift since creation. The indescribable gift of Life and Love: Jesus.

I'd like to take a moment and share a story with you.

One cold and dark night shepherds were chilling in their robes working in the fields. If had been four hundred years since the world had heard from God- no prophets, no burning bushes, noth-ing.

And all of a sudden an Angel of Lord appears from the sky. (this is how I envision it- the Bible doesn't go into detail- so I will only know the ACTUAL visual in eternity) The field was black, and I don't think the angel snuck up on them looking like just another shepard in a robe- I'm thinking the field light up with the awesome power of God- and the angel of Lord said "Do not be afraid..." And the shepards, trembling in their sandals, were thinking "don't be afraid- where did you come from? My family and I have been working this field for years, nothing OR NO ONE has ever stepped foot out here with out us knowing about it. And you tell me not to be afraid."

"...I bring you good tidings joy, for all the people of the world. For unto you is born this day, in the city of Bethlehem, a Savior who is Christ the Lord."

And the shepards all agreed, they would travel to see Him. They wanted to witness this awesome miracle that God had told them about.

Meanwhile, after traveling out of their home town, a young couple (Mary was an estimated 13is) were looking for a place to stay. It was cold, they had been walking for days and all they needed was a warm place to rest their heads.

"Sorry we're full"
"Sorry we're full"
"Sorry we're full"
"Sorry we're full"
"Sorry we're full"
"Sorry we're full, but we have this cave (yes a manger was a cave) where all the animals live. You can stay there."

Now think about that. Would you like to crawl into you're dogs kennel and sleep? Or cuddle up next to your kitty's litter box and take a nap- I'm thinking no.

So Mary (I imagine) starts praying:"Lord, I trust You. You have given me the Light of World. Please, Lord God, let me carry Him for a couple more nights."

Just then, her water breaks.

And here He comes. Hours of labor (again, this is what I envision- the Word doesn't go into the details of labor), the smell of poop, animal hair in the eye and one brave girl and her betrothed waiting for the most precious gift. Joesph was trying the keep the donkey out of Mary's face, while Mary was screaming out to God saying "Why, O God, did you choose me?"

Then out of darkness, after the morning sicknesses, the stretch marks, the sleepless nights, the leg cramps, the hemorrhoids, the varicose veins, the swollen feet, the pushing, the screaming, and the bleeding came the soft cry of a baby boy. He could have come with winds stronger than a hurricane. He could have come with all the power and might of a typhoon. But He came like a soft winter snow.

Wrapped in some dirty old rags, God presented the most beautiful gift- Jesus.

He didn't come wrapped in the finest linen, or foiled paper with gorgeous bow. He was presented lying next to animal hair and poop, wrapped in old clothes.

Here's me on the birthday of both my kids. Defiantly not as dirty as a manger would be.

Thank You Lord for the most precious gift of all mankind. Thank You O God, for giving us Your Son- 100% man, 100% God. Open our hearts, Father. Teach us Your way.

I've thought a lot about Mary over the past few months (and in turn, a lot about the young Jesus). As I sit up at night and rock (or glide) my baby girl, I wonder "Did Jesus pull Mary's hair, too?" I think He did. I wonder while tucking my son into bed at night "Did Jesus like to run around the house with His brothers screaming in joy (all the while minding His parents, of course)?" I think He did that, too.

And that friends, is the true gift this holiday. The gift of Hope. The gift of Love.

Christmas is not about the magic- but the Miracle.

He's heard my cry. He knows my pain. He knows my fears. He knows me. And I know Him. And sharing His love is the best gift I could give.

So this Christmas- I'm not getting caught up in the mess. I'm getting caught up in the Message. Christ is here- my chains are gone, I've been set free.

Logan's One Month Evaluation

2009-11-16T14:44:00.000-08:00

**I couldn't get pictures to upload- check back for photos**

On Friday we had Logan's one month Therapeutic Pre School Evaluation.

Every month the psychiatrist makes a home visit to discuss Logan's progress. This was our first evaluation- and I was eager to hear how he's been doing in school.

She said he's been doing really well riding the bus, following directions, and not being anxious. I was pleasantly surprised! She said he hasn't demonstrated anxiety characteristics in a while- and I was thrilled!!

She also mentioned that she and him have a special bond, and he lights up when he sees her. She said she loved working with him, and looks forward to watching him grow.

She said the areas he needs to work on are:

Touching/throwing sand. This is one of his (many) sensory issues. He likes to feel the sand running through his fingers. She said he gets so fixated that they (his teachers) have to make it "off limits" some days.
Touching other people. Logan will "pet" other people to feel their clothes, or body. The other kids don't like it- so he needs to work on keeping his hands to himsef.
Pooping on the potty.
Talking about the phone.
Doing "The Claw" (he claws his hand at inappropriate times)

She gave me some more social stories* to read to him every night on:

Eating too fast (I know, I was shocked too!)
Chewing with your mouth closed
Not interrupting
Completing a request
Getting the attention of others
Hearing "No"
Making a request
Using a napkin (he uses his shirt-hehehehe)
Showing affection
Shutting the bathroom door

*A social story is a short story that gives children simple explanations to everyday tasks. Example: Little boys go to school./Little boys ride on the bus to school./Little boys stay seated on the bus./Little boys get off the bus./Little boys line up for class./Little boys go to school./Logan's going to school.

I know this seems trivial, but she used the term "next year". I guess he won't be graduating to "regular" preschool next year. Oh well, maybe kindergarten.

The Giving Tree

2009-11-15T07:43:00.000-08:00

**Warning: This post contains raw, real emotions. I'd like to preface this with how much I love being a Mom. How I dreamed of having a child, and how I am thankful to God everyday for blessing me with two beautiful children, perfect in His image. I know many people struggle with infertility, or loss of a child and make no mistake, I pray for those people out there everyday. I know how blessed I am to have my kids on this side of eternity- and I'm thankful.

That said- Let the rant ensue.

There are days where I feel sorry for myself, and today is one of those days.

I try very hard to have a cheery, light hearted, optimistic spirit- most of the time. But today, I just want to complain.

Everyday I give and give and give and give and give, and explain, and give, and explain, and give and give. And then when the house is finally quiet, and the last potty break is over, and the last cup of water has been drank- I give some more.

Don't get me wrong, I love being a Mom, but on days like this I find myself asking: why me?

Why is it I can't walk into a store without talking about a phone. I would love to go to a store and not talk about a freaking phone. On that note, I would love to go ONE DAY without "pretending" to talk on the phone. You know what- I WOULD LOVE TO NOT SEE A PHONE FOR ONE DAY. That, friends, would be a good day.

I would love not to hear an absolutley, horrific, ear piercing screeching whale come out of my son's mouth. I would love to not hear it at bed time.

What did I do to deserve this? Why do I have to constantly explain explain explain why we can or can't do something. I would love to go one day with out having to worry about my son having a panic attack.

I would love to go one day without thinking about, worrying about, or talking about sensory issues. I would love not to worry about the volume of something, or the feeling (the physical feeling) of something. That would be AWESOME.

I would love not to worry about my son's future issues. Wondering what his OCD fixation will be when he's 15. It probubly won't be phones- so what? What will it be?

I would love to not think about poop. I would love for Logan to GO POOP.

I would love if my daughter was no longer teething. I would love for all those little boogers to pop right through, with no pain-therefore no crying.

I never asked for this. As a child, I never sat back and thought "Oh, I can't wait to grow up, get married, and have a baby boy with special needs."

I absolutely, undoubtedly love my son, but sometimes I just wish he was..."typical".

I would love to have a husband that worked normal hours, at a job he loved so I didn't have to put the kids to bed- all-by-my-self 5 nights a week.

I would have loved him to not go to that meeting last night- and I hope he doesn't go tonight.

I would love to shower, shave and go to the bathroom without an interruption.

And finally I would love a vacation- scratch that- I would love a night off.

Rant. Over.

Filters

2009-11-11T08:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I believe the Holy Spirit works through you when you least expected it.

Today, while I was visiting a new superstore (which was awesome minus this incident) Logan got confused and began to have one of his "mini meltdowns"- which includes screaming.

~For those of you who know my son, you know his screaming is very loud, very high pitched, and honestly very uncomfortable.

I held his hand and walked down the main grocery isle to grab the last thing I needed for dinner so we could check out and head home. It was as if a spot light was on me. People were coming out of the isles to see what was going on. No exaggeration, there were at least 40 people turned and looked at me and my sweet boy. Now, that being said, it was 30-45 seconds of excruciatingly loud uncomfortable screaming (which I'm used to) so I can understand why people were looking. But what they don't understand was this was not a "typical" child "I want that toy I can't have" tantrum. This was a little boy having an anxiety attack because he didn't understand something. I can't imagine how scary it must feel for him to feel trapped in his own world of fear and worry.

Anyway, while I was quickly grabing the thing I needed an old crotchy lady leaned over a very sternly said "Young man, you need to mind your manners while your...".

Before I could even think of what to say I threw him behind me (as if to physically protect him from the verbal daggers she was throwing at him) and said "Listen, lady, he has special needs."

And she looked at me with a stone cold look as I walked briskly away.

By the time I got back to the produce section, Logan had calmed down, but I was in tears. I thought of all the things I "should have said". I think the Holy Spirit was my filter at that moment.

So, for those of you who were at that superstore on this day and this time, I'm sorry. And for those of you who may encounter a screaming child in a superstore, before giving dirty looks or even saying a nasty comment* please think twice.

*I know most people would never do that, but everyone has weak moments-I'm sure back in my day I would have given "the look". There were some (few, but some) friendly faces that looked at me with sadness-as if they were saying "I've been there".

The Rumors are True

2009-11-10T17:44:00.000-08:00

Every year, on August 9 (the day after my birthday) I put out all my fall decorations. I absolutely, with out a doubt LOVE the Holidays and it kicks off with my birthday!

I put out pumpkins, scarecrows and anything "harvesty"-usually.

This year was different, though. I was tired. I have two young kids, one with special needs and one breastfeeding and I thought napping was more important then decorating...

So, because I usually get three whole months of fall, and Christmas gets a measly 35(ish) days (if you decorate the day after Thanksgiving) that I would decorate for Christmas early-a whole month early!!

On November 5, we decorated the entire inside of our house! Logan and Lily love the lights on the tree and all the animated Christmas stuffed animals. And Logan had a blast hanging the ornaments on the tree this year. I just love being able to enjoy all the beautiful decorations I've collected over the years.

This weekend we'll be working outside decor! Can't wait to give hubby the good news :)

The Ghost of Halloween Past

2009-10-30T18:14:00.001-07:00

10/31/05

10/31/06

10/31/07

10/31/08

Trick-or-Treat

Skim the Fat

2009-10-30T04:59:00.000-07:00

Ok friends, it's time to get real. My house is FULL of stuff I don't need (i.e. 3 years worth of magazines I haven't picked up since the month they were published... I have issues with books and magazines). It's time to skim the fat.

All of November I am going to be going through our house and getting rid of stuff we don't need. I'm tired of feeling closed in in our house. I don't find value in material things (for the most part), so it's time for me to go through all our stuff and get down to the things we actually need.

Let's start a movement. Who's with me?

Less clutter for 2010.

Not Me! Monday

2009-10-29T14:05:00.001-07:00

This is a blog carnival started by MckMama. Check out her blog to find out what others haven't been up to this week.

On the day that I posted this blog on being a "Mom" I did not go the whole day with my t-shirt inside out. A Mom as together as myself, would never have dropped Logan at the bus stop, ran some errands, and picked Logan back up at the bus stop only to find out at 8 pm during "bedtime countdown" teeth brushing that my favorite frumpy "Mom" shirt was inside out.

I also would never would have let out a sigh of relief and thought "at least I have some Not Me! Monday blog material."

I am always certain to have a fully stocked pantry and fridge. But if I were to slip up and realize that I may be running out of milk, I certainly did not pour some into a mason jar and hide it from my husband and son so I'd be sure to have enough for my coffee in the morning.

And lastly, while I was feeding my daughter some delicious bananas, I would never wipe her face off with something other then an acceptable face wiping rag. And if I were to make a slip up and not have an acceptable face wiping rag close by, I wouldn't pick up my son's big boy underpants (only worn for a couple minutes) and use the waist band to clean off that precious face.

It's the little things

2009-10-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

**Update**

Logan has been in school for (almost) two weeks and I can see REAL changes. Here's what I've noticed so far:

He's almost completely potty trained-we've been fighting that battle for 18 months now.
He amazes me with the things that comes out his mouth... so much I can't even remember everything! For instance, I told you him to cover his mouth when he coughed, and he said "No, cough in your elbow"!!!!!!!!!!! I still can't believe it!
Also, he unbuckled his five point harness, AND buckled the top part!! It's the little things.

He's been doing really well in school, except for a few "throwing sand (or mulch) " incidences :) All things considered, that's pretty good.

The Desperate Housewives of MP

2009-10-27T05:31:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of time talking about my kids on this blog, but today I want to discuss a subject that's close to my heart.

Desperate. Housewives.

Not the show-the actual desperate housewives.

Some days, especially when I'm waiting outside for the bus, I feel like a mom. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely, totally and completely love being a mom. When my son was born I felt I knew what my purpose was, and when Lily was born I felt complete. However, when I'm driving to the bank in my van, with the DVD player down, wearing yesterdays jeans, sporting a ponytail (or braid), and t-shirt (usually with milk or yogurt on it), I feel like a mommy.

Is that it? Cleaning, laundry, grocery store, bank, cooking, playing, etc. This morning when Logan was getting ready for school, I felt like a short order cook and waitress. Juice, breastfeed, banana, yogurt, more juice, yogurt, napkin, yogurt, wipe face, yogurt.... Between the two kids, I was exhausted by 7am!

And as I walked outside with unkempt hair, capri pants (that are one size too big) and an old maternity shirt, I thought to myself "I look like a Mom."

I'm not satisfied with the way I look- AT ALL. In fact, I have levels of sweat pants (sad, I know). There's bleach stained (cleaning sweat pants), around the house house, and dressy.

*Sigh*

SO, I've concluded that I am going to spend a little more time on myself. I plan on working out (to feel better and lose weight), getting a stylish hair cut (and actually doing it) and getting some new clothes. While I'm not at a weight I'm completly satisfied with, I need to get a couple outfits I can wear now that fit and make me feel better about myself.

I think spending a little time on myself will make me a better Mom.

Not Me! Monday

2009-10-23T17:25:00.000-07:00

This is a therapeutic way of admitting I'm not super mom started by the talented MckMama. Check out her blog to find out what others haven't been up to the week..

This week I didn't hide in the laundry room and drink an ice cold coke. And I certainly didn't let out a fake cough when I opened the can to make sure my sweet young boy didn't hear that distinct can pop.

I also would never have washed a load of laundry, for got about it, washed it again, for got AGAIN, and wash it one more time. I would never be too busy to have to wash one load of laundry three times... I mean that's just not sane!

And never would I go outside at dusk with kids to play knowing that's the best time to get eaten alive by mosquitoes. And after that wild evening, I didn't get about 20 mosquito bites. And I completely learned my lesson and did not go outside the next day and get about 15-20 more... and if I did get a million-I mean- a couple bites I am not itching them like crazy. I know the less you itch, the faster they heal.

And lastly, I would never have forgotten about a tiny tiny piece of bread that did not fall out of my car and onto my garage floor. And that said piece of bread was not covered in sugar ants the next day... and I didn't spray those ants with Spot Shot (a carpet cleaner) to blow them away (literally).

Now if you'll excuse me, I don't have some chores to do.

All Through the Town

2009-10-23T07:05:00.000-07:00

The wheels on the bus go...

All through the town.

Or at least it feels that way!

Logan's first official day of school was 10/15, and because the bus wasn't scheduled in our area yet, I drove him and picked him up until the school district called me with the bus details.

Well, Wednesday was his first ride on the bus, and it went...well, as expected.

We were waiting in our front yard (yes we have a front door pick up-VERY rare, but very gooooood) playing, laughing, and talking. He was in high spirits, and was mildly excited to go to school. He told me about his friends, and teachers...

And then we heard it. Screeching around the corner came the biggest, baddest, scariest monster. It reached out it's arm and grabbed my son. As he was screaming "NO MOMMY NO MOMMY NO MOMMY" over and over and over again, this monster laughed and said "we're not coming back. Kiss him good bye FOR-EV-ER. Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha."

Okay, it didn't really go like that.

What really happened when that monster, aka the bus, came around the corner, Logan was excited. He loves all things with 4 or more wheels, and he's always been intrigued by buses. The bus stopped, and he climbed on in!

The bus driver introduced herself to me, and informed me that they were a mother/daughter team (the TPK bus has an aide on it). You could see the love that radiated from their faces. I felt as if Logan was climbing onto a bus with his Grandmother. They're both grandma's and have been driving buses for 22 years (that's almost as old as me!), so I felt very comfortable.

However, once Logan realized I wasn't going to be riding the bus with him, he got VERY upset. I reached out his hand, and looked at me with this disgusted look of betrayal... as if I had hurt his brand new puppy.

I left him, and ran in the house.

I. Felt. Terrible.

That was worse then his first day of school. I just kept repeating to myself (out loud, in a very soft voice) "it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts". and I started to tear up (not cry...tear up).

I climbed in the shower, as if to wash away some of the pain I was feeling. I wanted it off of me. I wanted the physical pain off me and down the drain.

I took a deep breath, and tried to forget about the time.

But I couldn't.

I really couldn't.

I thought about Logan in school, eating lunch, playing outside, napping. Wondering what he was doing each minute of the day.

Then, at 3 I sat outside waiting for him to come home.

As each minute passed, I more and more worried. "Was he okay, is the bus driver having to deal with a melt down, did he nap, did he eat, how did he do getting back on the bus..."

As the clock hit 3.40 I began to panic. "Maybe she got lost. If they're not here in 4 minutes, I'm calling the school."

And there it was. 3.43pm. The big yellow monster came screeching around the cornor to drop off my little monster.

And he did great.

The driver said he was an angel! Then asked me why he was being bused all the way to (xyz) school. I told her because of his developmental delays. And she said, "He doesn't sound delayed to me."

And my heart skipped a beat. He doesn't sound delayed to her... praise the Lord in Heaven.

Father, I know you hear my prayers, and I know You know my son. Watch him, Lord, when I can't. Hold him, Lord, when I can't.

I won't let you fall, Logan. I won't let you fall.

It tastes like sausage

2009-10-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

He's already making progress, and it's only been ONE. WEEK.

I am truly amazed at the strength of my son. He started school- full time- and he's riding the bus (I'll blog about that later). What an awesome little man I have :)

He came home today, and sat down for dinner ( I know 4pm is early for dinner, but he's starving when he comes home). I made fancy sloppy joes (no bread), with rice and peas and salad. He also ate the left over rice noodles from the night before-I told you he's starving when he comes home.

So as always, I make him wash his hands before dinner (especailly when he's just come off the bus), but he wasn't having walking all-the-way (6 feet) to the bathroom. So, I just gave him some hand sanintizer I keep in the kitchen. As he's "washing", he starts singing a song about washing hands, and "be sure to wash the tops." UN-BE-LIEVEABLE!

Then, while he was eating he said "Mmmmm. This tastes like sauce-age." (It took me a couple seconds to figure out what he was saying, cause I wasn't sure if my ears were failing me or not-my son dosen't know the word sausage).

I said, "It tastes like_what?"

"SAUCE-AGE"

I was like, okay then.

wait, there's more.

Then, he walks over to the white board, picks up a dry erase marker and says "down, across" HE WROTE THE LETTER L. The letter L. I've been working on that for WEEKS, and he's in school 4 days and now he can write it! But that's not all. He can write L, AND O.

Then, he picked up a picture he colored, brought it over to me (as I'm writing this blog) and says "Look Mommy, I colored this with a crayon. A purple crayon."

I-AM-SHOCKED.

And last, but certainly not least, he hands me a piece of lettuce (a piece he rejected) and put it in my mouth, and said "swallow it, swallow it, swallow it" in a high pitched teaching voice. And when he saw that I did in fact swallow it, he cheered "yay, good swallowing Mommy".

I am a good swallower! And, by the way my pants fit, I think I've been swallowing pretty good for quite some time now.

I need to go now, cause he's writing his letters, and I need to cheer him on!

"Down. Across." "Down. Across." "Down. Across." "Down. Across."

Saved by the Bell

2009-10-19T18:19:00.001-07:00

Logan had his first day of school last week! On Thursday, October 15, we made a leap of faith and dropped off our big boy at his first day of TPK- Therapeutic Pre Kindergarten.

Our morning started great. Logan woke up in high spirits, and was excited to "leave the house"... or so he thought.

When we left our house, I started to tear up. I thought about all those days I wasted complaining and not soaking him up. All the times I "wanted a minute alone" or was frustrated over his rituals. All that time. Gone. Like the blink of an eye. Gone.

I realized that today was the first day of his academic career, and that my sweet baby boy that I held in my arms just 4 short years ago, was growing up.

That was the longest drive of my life. The school is about 35 minutes from my house, so as I drove I thought a lot. I took a deep breath and remembered how I breathed him in on October 14 at 5.01 pm. The way he gazed at me with those goopy eyes, and how it felt to hold a life in my arms. When he was born, I was very ill, and can disticntly recall that day. When Dr. G showed me my little boy, and he started SCREAMING I thought to myself "I should be crying now". And when then they placed him on my chest (very breifly- only for a picture... that's how sick I was) I thought "He's going to fall, please, take him, HE'S GOING TO FALL". Looking at the pictures now, you can clearly see that the nurse was holding him and had placed him on my chest for a picture.

As we pull into the school, my heart sinks deep into my chest and I can feel my blood pulsating through my veins. I've been looking so forward to this day, and now it's here. All I wanted was one. more. day. But it was too late.

We parked the car, made a call (to the Grandmothers-for blessings of course) and walked to the teacher.

He said "Mommy, I'm very sick. We can't go to school."

I replied, "You're going to be great Logan. I love you, and I'll see you soon."

I gave him a kiss. And left. Like that day, four years ago, I thought "I should be crying now". But I didn't. I was sad, yes. But his time had come, and I was happy.

When I returned the teacher said he did GREAT! I was so happy that the day was over, and he was safe.

One day down. Fourteen years to go.

I won't let you fall, Logan. I won't let you fall.

Not Me! Monday

2009-10-19T17:12:00.001-07:00

If you're not the perfect Mom, then Not Me! Monday is for you. It's a trend started by the talented MckMama.

Here is what I did not do this past week.

I certainly did not get ready for Logan's fourth birthday celebration by shoving anything that was out of place in the laundry room, or my bathroom. An organized Mom, such as myself, would never let anything like that happen.

I then definitely did not instruct my guest to help me as they were walking in the door, because I had it all together and was completely ready for everyone to arrive.

I also, did not leave ALL the dishes to do the next day, that is just crazy! I would never do something like that... I always do all my dishes and laundry as soon as they're dirty, any other way is just despicable!

Earlier in the week, I certainly didn't procrastinate on my paper for school AND I wasn't writing it while eating a bowl of delicious salt and vinegar chips (did I mention the paper wasn't for my Nutrition class?).

And lastly, I did not let my daughter hold the bowl of avocado after she was done eating, knowing full well she wasn't going lick it clean.

Head over to MckMama's blog to find out what others haven't been doing!

Happy Birthday Logan

2009-10-14T08:58:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday my sweet boy! Your short life has taught me so much, you're my inspiration.

I Love You more than you'll ever know.

Top Ten Tuesday

2009-09-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

Things I love to do with (or for) my daughter

10. Play

9. Tickle

8. "Talk"

7. Bathe

6. Kiss

5. Snuggle

4. Sing

3. Rock (or Glide)

2. Hold

And the number one thing I love to do with Lily is:

1. Nurse

A Letter to My Boy

2009-09-29T19:12:00.000-07:00

To My Dearest Son,

Words can not describe the way I feel about you. From the moment I found out about you, you became apart of me. You changed everything about me, and have shaped me into the woman I am today.

My whole life, I wanted to be a mother. You fulfilled my dream, and then some.

My prayer for you is that you know and love the Lord, that you take time to pray, and you grow in the love of Christ. I pray you will become a loving, kind generous man. That you dream big, find your purpose and work hard. But most of all I pray that you know how much your father and I love you, we're behind you 100% and we will always be proud of you.

You're an amazing boy that keeps us on our toes. You love dirt, balls, trucks, bugs, books, and spending time with your family. (Of course you love the phone... but we're working on this) You're spirited, loving, kind, sweet and totally 100% B.O.Y.

Soon, you'll be turning four, and going to school. The journey we're on right now is tough one, and to be honest there are days where I'm not sure what's really going on (or if I'm doing the right thing)-but one thing is for sure I love you, and I'm working hard everyday and I'm dedicated to helping you.

You made me a better person, son, and everyday I try to achieve more... to be a better wife, a better mom and a better person.

Thank you, my precious boy, for being you. I couldn't imagine my life without you. You're the perfect fit for our family.

Love,
Mom

Not Me! Monday

2009-09-28T10:51:00.000-07:00

I did not leave three days worth of dishes in the sink... and only clean them up because my mother-in-law was coming over. That's just unsanitary... a mother such as myself, would never let that happen.

I did not shove a box of pizza so far into the fridge that it knocked over a half opened bottle of soy sauce, and then wait till the next morning to clean it up. That's just crazy talk!

And finally, I did not wash my husbands cell phone, even after he told me he left it in his pants. A wife as together as myself, would never let a thing like that happen.

A Day of Rest

2009-09-27T15:56:00.000-07:00

Romans 8:18 (NIV)

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

What a Day!

2009-09-25T18:28:00.000-07:00

Oh my, what a day! My two sweet kids kept me on my toes tonight. My son didn't nap (he's growing out of napping) and my daughter wanted to snuggle all night long. Normally I would love to just sit and hold her, but the dishes were piling up, there was about 115 calories worth of chips crushed into the carpet, and there was dinner from three weeks ago still in the fridge. I know what you're thinking- "What's wrong with you, throw that away!". Well, what you don't understand is we have a serious raccoon problem around here. They GET IN MY TRASH ALL THE TIME!

Just imagine it. Your trash, lying on your driveway. Sit and think for a second about all the things you throw away. Private things. And imagine that all your neighbors get a panoramic view of your family lying on your driveway EVERYDAY!

So, because of our little critter problem, I have to clean out my fridge on trash day. I'm never really sure what day of the week it is (especially early in the morning), and I usually don't realize it's a trash day until I hear that unmistakable screech of suburbia driving down the street picking up the weeks garbage.

I digress.

So, as you can imagine, I wasn't really in the mood to sit and hold a baby... but I did. I cuddled. I nursed. I bathed. I lotioned. I loved.

There's still dishes in the sink. There's still a very questionable chicken my fridge. (No more chips tho- I did manage to run the vacuum while holding her)

And it was all worth it.

Put a Band-Aid On It

2009-09-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

As a parent of a with child with special needs, I find myself saying:

"Can't I just put a band-aid on it?"

"Why can't I just fix this?"

"Am I making the right choice in regard to his diet?"

"What does the world think of me?"

I can sit and wallow in my self pity, and ask "why me?" all day long- but one thing remains:

Logan was created by the One True God, in His image, and place perfectly with me. There are many times I think about all the signs I missed. Like, his delayed speech, inappropriate use of pronouns, and major sensory issues. I even thought I was "lucky" to have a baby that didn't put anything in his mouth. I look back at that nieve mom and want to yell "HE'S GOT SENSORY ISSUES, YOU CRAZY LADY!". But, unfortunately you can't turn back time, and that fact of the matter is I didn't know any better.

I do seek forgiveness, and ask God to please give me wisdom and understanding with my kids. I believe God has a plan for him, and is using my sweet boy to make me grow up.

I hope one day Logan will forgive me. I pray:

That he will look past my ignorence, and know that I did everything I could to heal him.
That I used every fiber of my being to help him get better.
He doesn't rememeber this pain.
That he will become a "typical" child.
That he will grow out of it.

Right now, I am still looking for the right approach for his diet.

For the past year, I've been milling my own wheat to make bread and other baked goodies. Wheat offers so many nutrients, but because of how it's processed for commercial use it's useless. When processed, it's milled, bleached, fortified (cause all the nutrience are gone- so they add them back), and then made into bread (or cupcakes, cookies, etc). All the good stuff is oxidized and the food is basically dead.

Our family eat mostly whole foods, and have been steering clear of prepackaged food for about 2 years. I'd say we were (before this journey) about 60% there.

SO NOW, going through what I've been going through with Logan, I'm forced to ask myself- "What's worse, the prepackaged gluten free cake mix, OR the freshly milled live flour?"

When I first started this journey, I wasn't sure where to start, and I was willing to try anything. I found myself scrambling for answers, reading anything and everything I could get my hands on. I find myself still searching, and I pray every night for guidance. I just want to help my son. That's what this is all about-helping Logan cope with everyday life.

It's my belief that our bodies benefit from live food: wheat, fruit, veggies, meats, etc. So, I'm now going back live eating. He'll be receiving gluten- only from my wheat- for three weeks. If he starts to regress, I'll put him back on the GFCF diet.

My next steps are:

Journal his behavior and diet
Make an appointment to see his pediatrician to discuss everything
See and allergist
See a behavioral psychiatrist

God is with me, and I know we'll get through this.

Confessions of a Gluten Free Mom

2009-09-22T08:46:00.001-07:00

I get encouraged.

I get discouraged.

I believe it's working.

I still have doubts.

I give in to what the world believes to be true from time to time.

I follow my "Mommy Radar" only 90% of the time.

I hide in the laundry room to eat "forbidden" food.

I plan on giving Logan fresh milled wheat to see how he reacts.

Confessions of a Nursing Mom

2009-09-22T08:43:00.000-07:00

I drink a caffeinated beverages from time to time.... at least 5 times a week :)

I don't cover up in public.

I wear "night time" bras 60% of the time.

I don't always "buckle up" after each feed.

I encourage all Mom's to nurse.

I feed on demand-it could be once every 30minutes, or once every 4 hours.

I don't count how many times she eats, and when the doctor asks I just say the "typical" answer for that age... although it could be more or less.

I don't count poops or pees either :)

I do NOT think it helps you lose weight.

I'm delaying solid food- 73% for her benefit, 27% for my connivance

I believe it's one of the many gifts God gives new Moms.

Top Ten Tuesday

2009-09-22T07:03:00.001-07:00

Favorite Things to do with Logan:

10. Play Dough -Now that we're starting our new lifestyle I need to make gluten-free play dough

9. Coloring with markers

8. Painting with water color

7. Baking

6. Going for a walk and talking about nature

5. Eating together

4. Going to the beach

3. Making music

2. Dancing

And my number one thing to do with Logan is.....

1. Pray

They DO Come With a Snooze Button!

2009-09-22T03:55:00.001-07:00

Lily has always been an excellent sleeper, but every now and then she'll wake up around 5 to nurse, then go right back to sleep. This morning was one of those mornings. She was up at 5.20 am, nursed for 15 minutes, and went right back to sleep.

Well, when I came crawling back to bed, my darling husband proceeds to tell me he thought he heard Logan crying... Now this is not shocking to me at all. My sweet little boy has always had trouble sleeping (going to sleep, staying asleep, taking naps, shall I go on?), and it wasn't until recently (about a year) that he actually slept through the night.

So, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to get up and take a little time to myself- reading other blogs of course- before he really woke up. While I was reading I heard Logan laughing... that's right LAUGHING! AT 5.40 IN THE MORNING! NOTING is funny at 5.40 in the morning!

I ignored it, because he wasn't calling for me and it sounded like he was just relaxing in bed, so I continued what I was doing. I got lost in reading, like usual- I love reading anything, books, magazine, blogs, the back of cereal boxes, you name it-look at the clock and realize...IT'S SEVEN THIRTY! I could have slept an extra two hours!

Oh well, waking up for a snuggle, kiss or hug is worth it. Even if it is at 5.40 in the morning.

I'm still not sure why he was crying and/or laughing. I'll have to ask him when he wakes up. Until then, is that coffee ready yet sir Tassimo?

Don't they look sweet? It's God's defense mechanism- too cute to get mad at.

A Day of Rest

2009-09-20T04:18:00.000-07:00

Psalm 138 (NIV)

⁷ Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,
with your right hand you save me.

⁸ The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands.

This is my sweet Logan in 10/06. The Lord has a purpose for him, and He will never abandon him. I didn't know then that God had this journey in His plan, but I know with Him, we'll get through it.

My son will be free from anxiety and OCD.

Guilty Pleasures

2009-09-17T05:03:00.000-07:00

Well friends, I wanted to write about one of my favorite subjects: FASHION. Not for me of course, I look like the before picture on the show "What Not to Wear", but fashion for my kiddos.

When Logan was a baby (0-12 months), I loved to dress him in Carters, Baby Gap and Gymboree. As a toddler (1-3) he wore mostly Gymboree. But now, I like to dress him in clothes from JC Penny's. They are one of the few stores that offer "slim" sizes, and for those of you that know my son, knows he still wears 24 months shorts (in fact he's wearing some now and they're literally falling off as I type this).

For Lily, I love Carters and Gymboree. Gymbroee is my number one favorite, BUT she has some dresses from Carters that I love. Lily usually wears dresses, because they're easy to throw on, and really cute.

One of my favorite things to dress this kids in is PJs (we call 'em jammers). I love to bathe them, put lotion/oil- organic, essential oils only, of course, but that's a different post- on them and put some cute jammers on. I get those anywhere and everywhere, from Walmart, Target, Outlets and- of course- Gymboree.

As a child I always dreamed about being a Mom. I played with dolls all through adolescence, and even in high school. I loved to dress them up, and pretend that they were real. Now, I get to dress up my real babies... and I love every minute of it.

A Day of Rest

2009-09-13T04:28:00.000-07:00

2 Thessalonians 2:15-17 (NIV)

15So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachingswe passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter.

16May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, 17encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.

Gluten Free is easy... so far :)

2009-09-12T05:50:00.000-07:00

Well, on Tuesday I decided to change Logan's diet- and at the time I planned on giving him all whole foods. BUT- he's actually been eating gluten free, and it's gone really well so far!

We haven't had any adverse withdraws and we haven't had a problem finding things for him to eat. He hasn't asked for anything with gluten, and I think that he's adjusting.

I've really enjoyed trying the different gluten free foods, and I even started an information hub page for other Moms going through the same thing:

http://hubpages.com/hub/gluten-free-foods

Check it out if you're thinking of trying the GF diet!

HOWEVER, we're going to a birthday party this weekend, and I'm very concerned. Luckily Logan isn't into food too much, but they're serving pizza and that's one of Logan's favorites! I do have gluten free pizza crusts, and I'm planning on making him one to eat at the party- but I'm nervous! Hopefully he won't have a problem... I'll keep you posted.

He's going to school

2009-09-12T04:06:00.001-07:00

Well, Thursday was Logan's third and final evaluation with the FDLRS (fiddlers) program. We went to another elementary school-about 35 minutes from our house-that has a therapeutic preschool class and he was accepted into the program. Right now, there are only two other boys in the program, two teachers, and one speech therapist. I'm really excited about getting started, and seeing how Logan progresses.

I spoke up the psychologist, again, about my concerns about Logan's odd behavior. He told me that Logan has OCD, and gave me some tips on how to deal with them:

First, regarding his fixation with the phone, the psychologist suggested giving him a specific 15 minute time to play with the phone. I decided to give him 3 15 minute "sessions" then, eventually he'll get only 1 15 minute "session" with it.

Second, he suggested making a picture schedule, so Logan can feel more comfortable and in control. Logan has trouble with transitions, and will become very anxious if he is not sure what's coming next. (EXAMPLE: when the kids were lining up to go to P.E., Logan FREAKED out, and threw a "tantrum". He LOVES playing outside-so that wasn't the problem-he was just upset because he was unsure about what was coming up next.) The psychologist told me to take actual pictures of Logan doing a task, and then velcro them to a poster board, and putting on the refrigerator. So, in the morning it will be: eating breakfast, brushing teeth, playing, having a snack, etc. I also need to explain everything I'm going to do (i.e. "Logan, I'm going to turn the dishwasher on." "Logan, I'm going to run the vacuum cleaner now" etc.). When we having

something special planned, I need to prep him. Say we were going to the zoo, I'd need to talk to him about it, and have it on the schedule. If something were to come up, and plans were to

change, he suggested having a ZZ (for zig zag) card to cover the picture. For example, the day we were supposed to go to the zoo it started to rain. I say "Sometimes life has zig zags" and then cover the zoo picture with the ZZ.

He also gave me the "Low and Slow" technique. When Logan is having an episode, or tantrum, I need to get down on one knee-to his eye level, and talk in a low/slow voice (i.e. when Logan was upset about going outside: get down to his level and say "Logan, we're going to play outside-pause for 15-20 seconds- It's going to be fun-pause-We're going to kick the ball-pause- You'll love it.).

It's going to be very difficult, but I'm willing to take on the challenge! In fact, I'm going to finish his schedule this weekend. OH! I also have to start preparing him for school, and the school bus! His first day is in 2-3 weeks (it takes some time to process the paper work, etc).

Isn't She Lovely

2009-09-09T08:34:00.000-07:00

I wrote a lot on this blog about our journey with Logan. I don't want to forget an important piece of our lives- the long awaited arrival of our beloved Lily Faye.

When Logan turned one years old, I started thinking about adding a baby to our small family. My husband and I discussed it, and decided it would be better to wait. He is an only child, and thought that's what he wanted for Logan. I knew that wasn't the path God wanted us to take, and I began to pray. I asked for wisdom, guidance, and clarity- and for God to change my Hubby's heart :)

Then, when Logan was 2, we decided to "not take precaution" and see what happens. Well, after waiting what felt like a lifetime (only six months) we fell pregnant. We were over the moon, and couldn't stop planning and preparing for our new little bundle of joy.

When we found out Logan was going to have a little sister, we were so excited! God knew what He was doing all along, and gave us the perfect addition to our family. A sister for Logan, and a daughter for us.

Now, I'm the Mommy of a Prince and Princess.

Lily is six months old, and it's gone by so fast.

By Golly, there IS a light!

2009-09-08T13:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, so today was day one on the "NO PRESERVATIVE Diet/low gluten".

It's gone GREAT! He has had some withdraw symptoms, but they've been manageable... so far. His mood is great, his overall temperament is even and (this could be my "wishful thinking) he's been using his vocabulary a lot better.

I went to our local grocery store and bought TONS on fruits and veggies and Logan's really enjoyed talking about them and eating them!

On the other hand, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed by the housework. I'm so focused on food that I've let my housework go by the waist side. Tonight I'm going to TRY to catch up :)

A Day of Rest

2009-09-06T04:20:00.000-07:00

Psalm 62:5-8 (NIV)

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.

6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

7 My salvation and my honor depend on God ;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
       pour out your hearts to him,
       for God is our refuge.
       Selah

Goodbye Old Friend, I'll Miss You

2009-09-05T12:07:00.000-07:00

I took a huge leap of faith today, and decided to give away anything that has preservatives in it. We're having some friends over for dinner, so what they don't know is when they leave, they'll have some groceries to take with them :)

So, when I was finished, I went to our local grocery store to buy a couple things for this evening. What I wasn't prepared for was how emotional it was going to be for me. It was painful for me to walk through the isles filled with foods that Logan loves so much, knowing that (for the time being) he can't have them. It was also hard watching "typical" children gleefully walking hand in hand eating a cookie.

Now, Logan for the most part is very well behaved. He's a good listener, polite, loving and very kind. But I'm not sure how he's going to react once he starts detoxing from the toxins that's in his body, and he's not able to have that free cookie he's had so many times before. Lucky for me my son is a produce thief- we'll just hit the produce isle and hopefully he'll forget about the cookie.

On another note, I know I've distanced myself from some people that are close to me. Please know that I'm concentrating completely on my family and healing Logan. I'm in a dark place in my life right now, and I mostly find comfort in talking to other moms who are going through the same thing. I believe through changing his environment-that is the toxins he's eating/coming into contact with -I'll be able to see a huge improvement in his behavior. Also, one of Logan's fixations is the phone, so I'm spending as little time as possible on it (especially when he's around).

Hang in there with me- He's not finished with me yet.

You want me to feed him WHAT?

2009-09-04T11:43:00.001-07:00

There's a huge movement in the autistic community regaurding biomedical treatment. It refers to the process of redressing the anomalies in a persons Biochemistry through the use of specific nutrients. Specifically, a gluten free and casein free diet (GFCF). Parents, doctors and researchers say that children have shown mild to dramatic improvements in speech and/or behavior after these substances were removed from their diet.

Gluten and gluten-like protiens are found in grains like wheat, oats, rye, bulgar, durum, spelt, and barley. It's also found in starches, semolina, couscous, malt, some vinegars, soy sauce, flavorings, artificial colors and hydrolyzed vegetable proteins.

Casein is a protein found in milk and other dairy products like cheese, yogurt, ice cream, whey butter, and margarine.

EYE-YEY-IE! What's a Mom to do?

While we (the psychiatrists, hubby and I) don't believe Logan has autism, I feel he may benefit from a "diet makeover". A GFCF diet is a lot to take on- so, I'm going to take one small step in the right direction.

My first plan of action is to take out all refined sugar, white flour, and anything bleached. Also, I'm removing all foods that are over processed, and full of additives (especially nitrates).

Basically, I'm doing an all whole foods diet. Homemade bread, cookies, and fruits/veggies. I already mill my own wheat to make fresh flour, I'm just going to take it one step further.

"Let thy food be thy medicine and thy medicine be thy food."

With this first step, I'm hoping to see major improvements in his bowls, mood and behavior... I'll keep you posted!

Logan enjoying his "non birthday" with a fresh milled blueberry muffin

He's Unique

2009-09-03T13:17:00.000-07:00

Well, today was our second evaluation with the FDLRS program, and it went- as I expected. On our initial evaluation day, the phycologist told me that in 30 years of experience, he had never met a case like Logan. In fact, he told me he was "unique". Now, I DO know, he IS unique- totally and completely created in the image of Christ, for Him and by Him. But, he has some odd behaviors that in the past did not worry me, but upon further reflection may be a problem.

Some of the behaviors that have concerned me are:

Does not interact well with other children- mostly "side-by-side" plays.
Is completely fixated the phone and elevators/escalators
Goes into his own world and plays "elevator" (sliding two things on the ground apart, and then back together while humming).
Pinches himself and makes a high pitched noise when he is frustrated.
Slaps himself in the face when I turn my sewing machine.
In my opinon, is speech delayed.
He's obsessed with being clean- makes me clean up water off the street.
Gets so excited, he can't calm down.
Has bowl issues- willful holding of stool for up to 7 days.

There are also things he did as a very young child, that we thought were "cute" or quirky- just "Logie"- and looking back over his short life, I see maybe these were some other warning signs for a more serious problem. For instance:

As a very young child, he would sit in a circle and "dance" in a circular motion for 10 minutes or so.
He would make a "bubble" noise by holding a fist and making a continual high pitched noise. He would do it so often that his face would get raw, and rash.
Walking after one year
Didn't call us "Mom" or "Dad" until after he was two
Couldn't form a question until he was 3 1/2 years old

When I look at these symptoms, I hear the word "autism" in the back of my mind.

I do understand that autism is a HUGE spectrum, and that if he is on the lower end, then he could potentially lead a fairly "normal" life. The phycologist, speech pathologist and child phycologist heard my concern, and did tell me that based on the information I gave them, I had reason to be worried.

My heart sank, and went back to that cold operating room where I first laid eyes on him. I remembered the hopes, dreams, and fears of being a new young mom; and for the next several seconds-time stood still.

After an intense three hour evaluation, they told me not to give him that "autistic" label just yet. While the symptoms I described above, may look like autism on paper, and if one were to observe him, and see his odd behavior they may say "yes, he's autistic"- he may not be. This is where the "unique" part comes in to play. What many people don't know, is that these symptoms are also signs of the early stages of tourette syndrome. BUT Logan does not exhibit all the MAJOR symptoms of touretts OR autism, for that matter.

While I'm sitting in this little room, talking to these people, I begin to go through the motions, nodding and smiling, all the while going off into my own world. SO WHAT THAN! What is it, can you help me or not?? I think to myself. I go back to that operating table. I can almost hear Logan crying in the background, and feel the oxygen mask taped to my face. In that moment, I thought "I wonder if Dr. G saw a label on his chest?" Did it say:

AUTISTIC

TOURETTES

ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER

FOOD ALLERGIES

And I hear God whisper in my ear "He's not perfect, Jackie, I'm perfect. I'm here with you".

Once I'm present in the room again- I hear the word "anxiety". They told me that Logan is suffers from sever anxiety and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). His odd behaviors are a result of his anxious mind, and inability to express what he is feeling/wanting. They gave me an example of when they lined up to go outside. The other children were excited to play on

the playground, but when there was a change happening, and he wasn't in control of it, he had an episode. The other children left, all in a line to play on the playground. Once he saw the other kids having a good time, he calmed down, and played "with" the others.

SO...basically they see a need for specialized classroom intervention and want to help him, but they want to place him in the right class. There are different classes/teachers to meet the needs of a child's specific problem. Next Thursday we're going for ANOTHER evaluation at a different school, to see if it's the right fit. It's a therapeutic class, for children that aren't necessarily delayed (Logan is not-based on the three DIFFERENT evaluations), but are in need of a teacher that will help get them ready for the "real world" of kindergarten.

I know God is present, He is with me, He is with Logan.

Natalie Grant says "There's no such thing as perfect people. There's no such thing as a perfect life. So come as you are, broken and scared. And be amazed, and be be changed by a perfect God."

My Story

2009-09-02T05:13:00.000-07:00

I woke up one morning in January 2005 with my whole life ahead of me. I was 20 years old, working, going to school and had just moved into a beautiful brand new home with my boyfriend (now husband). I was not planning, nor prepared for what came next... I was pregnant. (warning: these are raw, real emotions) What am I going to do? MY PARENTS ARE GOING TO KILL ME! What will people think? How could this happen to me, I was on BIRTH CONTROL? I even (gasp) hoped for a miscarriage. But I learned that God knew what He was doing, and this was all apart of His perfect plan for our lives.

So, our next step was to tell our parents- which my the way went better then I ever dreamed, they were both SO supportive. We got married, and got ready to stat our family- which was going to happen in 5 short months.

My pregnancy was going well, until around 33 weeks. My blood pressure was rising, I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and put on bed rest. They scheduled my induction for 10/14/05, and due to major complications, an emergency c-section was performed at 5 pm... and there he was. A perfect 20 1/2 inch, 7 lb 12 in long bouncing baby boy. My life as I knew it changed- for the better.

The three of us went about our lives, and for the most part, were your average American family. Logan was a good, normal baby... or so I thought.

Fast forward 2 1/2 years, I fell pregnant again. We were over the moon, and were elated to find out it was a girl. I had a healthy pregnancy and was excited to meet our newest addition. I was scheduled for a repeat c-section on March 12, 2009 (39 weeks). At the end of February, I got a nasty ear infection and sore throat, and was worried it would compromise my surgery- so I went to the walk-in clinic next to my house to get it checked out. I brought my son with me

, and while I was there the doctor asked me how old he was. I told him Logan was 3 1/2. He said "you might want to get a speech evaluation."

I was APPALLED! He was shy, and this doctor who DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME, OR MY SON, suggested that I get his SPEECH CHECKED. I was so insulted, I vowed never to go back there. When I got home, I called my Mom, and Mother-in Law, and all three of us were SHOCKED.

Later that night, I decided to give an old friend of mine a call- she' s a speech pathologist, and is GREAT at what she does. While we were talking my heart leaped from my chest, rolled down into my stomach at hit the floor. My perfect, bouncing baby boy was- SPEECH DELAYED.

The next morning I spent hours calling schools, county programs and speech therapy offices. I felt like the worst mother on earth. I spent day-in and day-out with my son and I missed this. A doctor who saw him for less then 5 minutes knew, and I didn't. I thought, maybe if I caught it sooner, he could have caught up by now. What kind of mother misses something as big as this? Well, the LORD taught me, a human mother.

I spent the next several weeks on a waiting list to get him evaluated- both through a state paid program (FDLRS) and private speech. While I was waiting I went through every milestone (I still cry as I reflect) and I realized that not only was he speech delayed, but behaviorally and socially as well. NOW I feel like the worst mother on earth.

In the mean time, we had our perfect beautiful 6 lb 13 oz, 19 1/2 in long, Lily Faye. She was the perfect addition to our family, and the moment I had her, I knew our family was complete.

FINALLY, in April we had 2 evaluations- one for private speech and one for the county (with a 3 week old baby in tow). For some UNGODLY reason, Logan passed his private evaluations. They told me his issues were behavioral. The county told me, however, he was "unique", and required further evaluations. Seriously that's what the psychologist said, and that in over 30 years of working with preschoolers, he had never seen a

case like this (LOL, you have to laugh, so you don't cry).

Since then, we've been waiting for our second evaluation. I've had time to really reflect over his short life, and I've been in prayer trying to hear what God is teaching me. I do believe God has a plan for him, and I also believe that He has a place for Logan in the FDLRS ("fiddlers") program. I've learned that Logan was created for Him, by Him, and was given to me to love and guide him. I love my kids more than life itself, and it's only a drop in the ocean compared to the depth of Love that our Heavenly Father has for them.

Tomorrow, September 3 at 9.40 am, is our second evaluation. I am eager to hear what they have to say. If you are a prayer warrior-please pray for us.